This is my current favourite picture of Joel. His eyes wide open and sucking on a "pacifier".
Some said he looks like Zachary, some said he looks like Dave. Whoever he looks like, he's my charming little boy like Zachary is.
I love him so much already. I'm just waiting for the day he gets discharged and goes home with us.
I love the three boys in my life. I also love the one little girl Hannah who was in my life for a few days but who will remain in my heart forever.
There must be some form of dark clouds hovering over my head. Things are just not going right for me.
On the 24th, we went for dinner at Pow Sing. When I got off the car, I tripped over the umbrella in the car and fell right over onto the road. Big patch of wound on my left knee and a small patch on my right ankle.
As thought it wasn't bad enough, on the 26th when we were in Best Denki, after getting off the car, walked barely a few steps I fell down again on the road. Tore more skin off my already wounded left knee, right knee and twisted my right ankle this time. It was a dramatic fall. I would have laughed at myself watching me fall.
Why are these things happening to me? What have I done to deserve all these? Or is it just because I am tired and I am not paying enough attention to my surroundings? I wish I knew the answer.
I hope that my ankle is OK as I still need to march on daily for the three boys; wounded or not.
In the midst of all the chaos, Serene and Weihao kindly offered to help us with Zachary for a night.
Zachary had his first sleep over at a friend's house. He had heaps of fun.
First they had dinner, then they took a bath in the bath tub where Weihao washed their hair and they bathed themselves in the tub, then brushed their own teeth and went to bed.
In the middle of putting themselves to sleep, Jerome suggested a snow party. He destroyed a pillow and managed to fill the whole room with snow, I.e. cotton from the pillow destroyed. According to Zachary, Jerome asked him if he wanted to have snow in the room and they did. They didn't get a scolding fortunately for the kind Serene and Weihao but just a laugh of helplessness to the situation. The poor helper sure had lots to clean up the next day.
They chatted throughout the night till they fell asleep.
I'm happy that in the midst of everything Zachary still managed to keep his happy self which is something I wish for him forever - happiness.
Thank you Serene and Weihao.
Our most precious daughter Hannah left to be with the Lord on the 3rd September 2015. We embraced her after she breathed her last. We had her memorial service on the immediate Friday and her cremation service on the Saturday after.
Cell and church friends from FCBC attended her services and sent her off for the very last time.
It is painful to have to send your daughter off. A daughter whom you've not done anything for, a daughter whom you've carried for months with you doing everything. A daughter so precious that nothing can replace.
I had so many plans and stuff to do with Hannah. It will only be in my imagination now. Every time I think of her, my heart bleeds. It really does.
How do we get over the death of someone so dear to us? Someone who is so close to our hearts yet foreign to us? The answer is we will never ever get over that someone. We will only be able to hold her dear forever in our hearts. Occasionally when we think about her, we will probably cry. That's the best we could do after losing someone so dear to us.
On the 28th August 2015, I started having weird pains in the afternoon. Had a chat with sis and family in the afternoon after picking Zachary up from school.
When Dave got home I told him that something was not right and I was having contractions. My babies were only 27 weeks old. Dave called the hospital and we were told to go to Thomson Medical Centre to get it checked.
I was admitted immediately and put on medication to delay the labour. The medication causes heart palpitations but it should stop the contractions. After a day, or two, the doctor did an ultrasound scan to check if I was dilated. Unfortunately I was already 2cm dilated. So all we could do was hope and pray that we delay the birth as much as we could.
On and off for about 3 or 4 days I was on the medication and contractions stopped. But when medication was halted I started contracting again. I could sense that the babies were going to come sooner or later. Doctors were saying that perhaps what I was feeling weren't contractions but just tummy ache due to constipation. On the 30th August, I was administered laxatives and through out the night of 30th I was having pains on the abdomen which I thought was due to the laxatives. Unfortunately again, they were contractions. In the morning of the 31st August, about 630am, I felt a gush of water below and my greatest fear became reality. My water bag broke and I was in full force labour. I called Dave immediately and told him to come quickly.
I was wheeled to the delivery ward and everything happened in a flash. The pain of my contractions were excruciating and I just felt the pain and more than that the fear of my twins being delivered so much earlier than edd. My worst fear became real.
Dave arrived and I was wheeled into the operating theater, the anaesthetist gave me the epidural and I felt the cut below and soon after I heard my little girl's first cry in the midst of feeling I was going to pass out from everything happening. Shortly after my baby boy was also out of my womb. Doctor stitched me up and I was wheeled back to the room.
Dave went up with the babies to the NICU and came back to my room with pictures of my precious twins. We decided on their names - Hannah Zhen Juan Ng for cece and Joel Zhen An Ng for didi. They were doing fine in the NICU. I was so desperate to see them but I wasn't allowed to move after the cesarean operation. So I had to make do with pictures taken by Dave. He assured me that both babies were doing well.
Next day I finally went down to the NICU to see my twins for the first time. I was in pain seeing them all in tubes and ventilators to help them breathe. Hannah and Joel were both doing well. I was at peace.
In the afternoon, Hannah's condition took a turn and she was not doing well all of a sudden. The doctors did a cranial scan and found that she was bleeding in her head. My worst fear started ringing in my head again. How did all these happen? Why did I allow this to happen??? It's all my fault. I should have prioritised my twins above anything else.
Hannah started to deteriorate and from level 1 bleeding it quickly progressed to level 4 bleeding. On the 2nd September 2015 the doctor confirmed the worst news to us that Hannah will not make it. They will let her go at her own pace and timing. On the 3rd September 2015 morning, I wrapped Hannah's tiny fingers around my little finger and spent her last few breathing hours with her. Dave and I were grief stricken. We just cannot believe that Hannah will soon leave us forever and we will never see her again.
Hannah left peacefully and we managed to cuddle her for the first time after she passed on. It's such an irony. Heart wrenching. Heart breaking. Words cannot describe the pain that we felt. Our Hannah left us forever.
Despite all these, we had to be strong. We had Joel still in the NICU. Zachary is also waiting for us at home. We just had to be strong. There's nothing else we could do but be strong. Everyone kept telling me that I have to be strong for Joel for Zachary. I just had to be strong. I had to be strong.
