My Twins’ Birthday again…

Happy birthday my dearest daughter Hannah and my dearest son Joel. 

I hope you’re having a ball in heaven Hannah…and everyone’s celebrating you…I wonder what you look like now. Why don’t you just appear in my dreams tonight so I know. I would really really love to see you at least once at 11 years old. Are you chubby like me when I was 11? Are you hot tempered like me when I was 11? I wish I knew…I do know though that you are in a better place. With no pain and nothing to worry about. I have seen a lot of children and even adults with a lot of suffering and pain and I am just glad that you are not ever going to experience any pain or hardship on this earth. 

Your brother is fast becoming a little man. You probably can see from up above how cheeky he has become. He loves gaming and humming. He seems to think that I am the most beautiful woman on earth, which I cannot understand why. I am grateful for your brother everyday of my life. I wish you were here and at the same time I find comfort in knowing that you won’t have to suffer…

When I walk past you in the room, I’ll “pat” you like I’m patting you on the head. I know I’m silly but it’s just my way of always remembering that you’re there. 

Today Hannah, I started work at my old work place again. So this date would be remembered quite easily coz it’s yours and Joel’s birthday  

My wish for you Hannah is that you’ll wait for me so I can finally see you when I’m done on this earth. Do appear in my dreams sometimes so I can see you…

My wish for Joel, is to be as happy as you can be, stay healthy, and always be the kind and caring boy that you are. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PRECIOUS KIDS. Always my precious forever and ever and ever…

Hannah Mannah

Dearest Hannah darling…today is the day you left us 10 years ago. Can you believe how long it has been since you left us? I still tap on the box each time I walk past it…like I’m tapping on your little head. Sometimes just wonder if you’ll look like the mini me. That would be quite a sight to see - a mini me. I’ll probably never know and never will experience this. It still hurts when I think of you or when I mention your name or when someone mentions the word “twins”…it’s a very painful word for me to hear. Coz I had a pair of twins, but I’m only left with one. One has left me to a faraway place and will not return ever again. The word “twins” really affects me a lot. I never want to show it, but just blogging it here…all my stream of consciousness. 

How nice would it be to hear you call me “mummy” once. To hug me once. To give me a kiss once. Even just once. That would be really a miracle to even experience it in my dreams. 

I just want you to know Hannah that you’re never forgotten. You’ll always have a special place in my heart. I love you from the inside and quietly, without anyone knowing or understanding the pain…it’s been 10 years…holding this inside…one day, I will see you again. It might not even be too far away. Till we meet again…I love you Hannah Mannah…I think I’ll call you this a lot if you were still here with me…❤️

Happy Birthday Joel and Hannah…

Firstly, Happy Birthday my dearest daughter, Hannah. You were in my thoughts always and more so today, coz it’s your birthday today too. We celebrated for Joel at Archie Brothers with bowling and arcade. He had lots of fun and I believe that if you were still here with us, you would have invited your own friends to the party too. What did you do up in heaven today? Did you get a big party with your heavenly friends too? I bet you also had the time of your life…I look forward to see you again one day…till we meet again, remember that I love you and will never stop loving you…

Secondly, Happy Birthday, Joel, my dearest son and fighter. You’re so loved and I hope that you know that too. I wish you a wonderful year ahead, filled with everything good. Good health, lots of happiness and laughter and most of all, lots of good memories to keep with you this year until your next birthday again. I love you darling. 

Zac helped out a lot today at the party as well too. We ended up having Japanese today after the party. 

I love all of you from the bottom of my heart and doing this year in year out is an honour for me being your mum. Not sure what I’m rambling about, but signing off with…LIFE IS SHORT…keep making beautiful memories while we can…

Turning back to 2011

 I had the weirdest dream last night. I was awake and talking to someone and realised that it is 2011. I went to this place on the hill and was driving uphill. Waited at the parking lot and in came Ee Ee who had already passed away in 2024. At the age of my dream, she looked so serene and pretty when she got on the car. Dave asked her if she was married to verify. We got a scolding from her or from mum to ask such a question. I got a shock and started to verify if we were in 2021. Went through the shops and everyone was different to 2024. 

I asked my mum what the date was, she said she will go back upstairs to check. Zac and Joel were at the playground. We waited for them to come and they came. 

Next thing was Joel. I bawled my eyes out because I kept thinking that Joel will soon disappear. I hugged him tightly and continued bawling. Then realisation came that I had a second chance again to relive my life from 2011. It was a sobering thought. It meant that Joel and Hannah could be with me when 2024 comes again. I told Dave that we were given a second chance to live again. 

My dad will also be healthy and well if he did things in life a bit differently from then on and don’t suffer the stroke in 2015. 

Felicia also came into picture. I heard her calling Harn Chyi and chatting with her advising her about work and her parents. 

Zac wasn’t that obvious in my dream, but he certainly was there. He was with Joel but at 2024 age. 

I got up from my dream and had the thought, it’s only a dream. But if it’s real, do I really want to go back to 2011? I think I do want to redo my life again, so that Hannah will still be around with Joel as twins, and my dad didn’t have the stroke in that same year. 

A dream will always be a dream…back to reality now…

You’ll be 9 if you were still here…

 Dearest Hannah darling, how are you? I ask you this each time I write here. I wonder if you’re taller than Joel now. I believe you are since girls grow a little faster than boys. 

Mummy is currently in a state of overwhelmed. There’s too many things going on in my life at the moment. I wish you were here now. I also wish I could join you and meet you wherever you are. I miss you and always think of you. 

Whenever I take something from the walk in robe, I’ll say hello to you. Sometimes I’ll give you a pat, or give you a hug. It’s stupid and silly, but it does comfort me even if it’s a little. Your ashes were supposed to be placed next to your kongkong Henry so you have a final resting place, but I just feel that it’s better if your ashes stayed close by so you can be remembered whenever and wherever. I also wish that one day, once I’m gone, my ashes and yours could be scattered into the ocean together. 

You know your brothers are actually very smart kids? I believe if you’re still around, you’ll also be just like them. Koko has gone to another school and Joel is still in the same school. Joel is also doing very well this year, winning the speakers challenge and also bookmark design competition in school. If you were still here, I’m sure you’ll also do well just like them. 

Kongkong and Ahma are also now here in Australia. It’s been a rough few months with kongkong falling down and Ahma being not well. Mummy has also gone for a series of checkups, operation, procedures, etc etc. It’s been really rough few months. We have also sold the business as it’s not doing my health much good. I’m glad that we have sold the business and I can rest for a couple of months. After that I do want to get back into the workforce, but I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with pick ups, cooking, etc etc. Your daddy is always flying here and there for work and it’s really quite difficult  

I feel like I’m really talking to you and also sharing my innermost thoughts. I really wish you were here. I know that I’m supposed to let go and I have let go of you, but I still do long for you, my daughter. I wonder what it’s like if you were here…

I think and remember you all the time…wish you were here…and also miss the moments where you were still in the ICU with us, regardless of how short it was. The baby cry I heard, although sedated, and your beautiful tiny long fingers which I held for hours…I love you Hannah. 

Happy birthday Hannah and Joel…

Dearest Hannah darling…how have you been? You turn 9 today if you were still here on earth. How time flies…I still remember hearing your cry in the delivery room after they pulled you out of my womb. You came out first and then Joel. The first and last cry I heard from you. Do I miss you? I do. You’re still with me in my heart forever and ever until the day I breathe my last. 9 years old you, I wonder what you look like. Perhaps like me when I was 9? I should just imagine you as my 9 year old self. That’s the best I could do now until the day I see you again. 

Joel won the speakers challenge this year for his year group. He did so well in class, and then school challenge. He also went for interschool for this. I reckon he did very well and will do even better next year. You’ll be so proud of him as his cece if you were here. 

Yesterday he also came home from school with a bookmark printed with his design on it. He won the bookmark design competition. He is doing well in school and we are so proud of him. 

Your Koko is also doing very well in his new school. He has changed school and made new friends. I feel a bit sad that he left his old school, but it’s for the better. He also came home yesterday saying that he got 100% for his music assessment, 95% for his science test and another commendation for his geography test for scoring well. You will be very proud of your Koko if you were here too. 

Later today, we will be celebrating Joel’s birthday at bowling. He wanted a bowling party with his friends. I just imagine if you’re here too. It would be a double party and you both would really have lots of fun together as twins with your friends. 

The word twins is quite a sensitive word for me, coz each time I hear it, or mention it, it triggers something within me, because Joel also has a twin and the twin is you, my dear girl. 

Your Kongkong and Ahma are also both here now in Australia. I feel comforted that they are here close by. I pray that God will help me help look after them well with no issues and stress. I really pray that all go smoothly from now on and forwards. 

Keep cheering for me Hannah. It’s a tough life here on earth. I’m counting the days till I see you again. Life is full of surprises, and who knows, my time on earth might just be up. 

Happy birthday to you my dearest daughter. I’ll keep wishing you on here until the day I can wish you and give you a big hug face to face. I love you and miss you heaps. 

Happy birthday Joel. I can’t thank God enough for you too. Keep growing up healthy and strong, happy and kind. I am so proud of who you have become today. 

I love you both my twins. And I love your koko too. 

I miss you and I’m remembering you…

Dearest Hannah, how are you? I just took a shower and I don’t know how many times I’ve silently cried while thinking of you in the shower. Today is the same. I know that I said I’m at peace now…but it still doesn’t stop me wondering and missing you. 

I am currently caught in a battle with a customer. I have been having chest pains since. Hannah, these people are really another level and they can torture you until you break. I hope there is a closure and we can move on from this. The stress it’s causing me is not funny at all :(

I hope that you are well and happy. How tall are you now? Joel is growing up so fast and he’s a happy kid. Wish you were here to control him sometimes as his Cece. He wishes you happy birthday on your birthdays. Did you get his wishes? Koko Zac also wished you this year. Joel actually said something to heart warming. Simple but touches the heart strings. “Happy birthday twin!”. Short and sweet. 

Know that you are loved and you are missed! Cant wait to hug you once again. Till we meet again my dearest daughter. I love you!

Love,

Mummy