You’ll be 9 if you were still here…

 Dearest Hannah darling, how are you? I ask you this each time I write here. I wonder if you’re taller than Joel now. I believe you are since girls grow a little faster than boys. 

Mummy is currently in a state of overwhelmed. There’s too many things going on in my life at the moment. I wish you were here now. I also wish I could join you and meet you wherever you are. I miss you and always think of you. 

Whenever I take something from the walk in robe, I’ll say hello to you. Sometimes I’ll give you a pat, or give you a hug. It’s stupid and silly, but it does comfort me even if it’s a little. Your ashes were supposed to be placed next to your kongkong Henry so you have a final resting place, but I just feel that it’s better if your ashes stayed close by so you can be remembered whenever and wherever. I also wish that one day, once I’m gone, my ashes and yours could be scattered into the ocean together. 

You know your brothers are actually very smart kids? I believe if you’re still around, you’ll also be just like them. Koko has gone to another school and Joel is still in the same school. Joel is also doing very well this year, winning the speakers challenge and also bookmark design competition in school. If you were still here, I’m sure you’ll also do well just like them. 

Kongkong and Ahma are also now here in Australia. It’s been a rough few months with kongkong falling down and Ahma being not well. Mummy has also gone for a series of checkups, operation, procedures, etc etc. It’s been really rough few months. We have also sold the business as it’s not doing my health much good. I’m glad that we have sold the business and I can rest for a couple of months. After that I do want to get back into the workforce, but I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with pick ups, cooking, etc etc. Your daddy is always flying here and there for work and it’s really quite difficult  

I feel like I’m really talking to you and also sharing my innermost thoughts. I really wish you were here. I know that I’m supposed to let go and I have let go of you, but I still do long for you, my daughter. I wonder what it’s like if you were here…

I think and remember you all the time…wish you were here…and also miss the moments where you were still in the ICU with us, regardless of how short it was. The baby cry I heard, although sedated, and your beautiful tiny long fingers which I held for hours…I love you Hannah.