Joel is going to school! Zac is in Year 3!

Tomorrow 22/01/2018 marks a very important milestone in Joel’s life. He will be starting school! He will be in nursery class and wearing uniform and all. It’s amazing how he has progressed from a little baby in the incubator up till today, a toddler toddling around singing and screaming and playing and laughing. He has come a long long way. Looking at him sleeping in his bed, makes me want to cry tears of joy. Nobody would ever understand the gush of emotions thinking about Joel getting this far in life. I am so proud of his achievements to date. He is such a bright and cheerful kid who brings so much joy and laughter into our lives. 

Zac will be starting Year 3!!! He will be starting his 7th year in school. I can’t believe how much Zac has grown. He is fast becoming a young man with his own sets of values and thinking. I’m proud to know that he has grown up to be a compassionate young boy who is kind and empathetic to others. He strives to do the right thing. I am proud to be his mum all these years. 

These two boys are like the veins in my body that keep me going everyday. Without them in Dave and my lives, I believe it would be less meaningful for us living on this earth. I believe that they will achieve what they set out to do in their lives and I will always support them no matter what. I love them and will always do. 

Oh and I have to add this: ‘Mummy does that mean that Joel and I will be in the same year book?’  This sentence really warmed my heart. Zac is right! Both of them will appear in the same year book! How cool is that? Extremely cool to me! I love the idea of having both my boys in the same book. I’m hopeless like that. 😂

Have a great first day in school tomorrow my precious sons! 

Joel’s Achievement 17/1/2018

Today is the first day after two years plus that Joel didn’t puke the entire day!!! He threatened a few times but he managed to contain it. It is really an achievement and I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. I may not be feeling that much excitement on the outside, but deep down, I am grateful that there’s even this one day that he didn’t puke. If there’s one day, there’s going to be two, there’s two there’s going to be ten, twenty, hundred and no more puking. It has been such a long and difficult  journey with Joel’s eating. His drinking has improved tremendously and now I just hope that his eating and chewing would just miraculously happen.

I am waiting for the day that happens and I think I will be crying with joy.

Had a rough day at home today, so my thoughts are all jumbled up. A very messy blog today, but I just had to pen this down as today is such a memorable day with Joel not puking even once!

Let there be more of such days and let the puking be gone forever. 

19 February 2017 - Last Milk Production Session for Joel

Today marks the end of milk production and supply to my precious Joel. It has been a very conflicting decision for me to make as to whether I should keep going or stop. I am typing this blog as I am expressing.

The benefits of breastmilk are so plentiful that I feel rather adamant about it although it might just be a bit that he's getting anyway. Joel has been drinking breastmilk for 18 months and I'm glad that I've persevered thus far. I believe that he has received most of the immunity I have and most of all, the love that I'm giving him with the milk that he's taking from me. Once I stop, that's it...The milk supply will never come back again. But a pat on my back, I have done well. I'm proud of myself.

One regret I have is that I've never been able to breastfeed my precious Hannah and she's never received anything from me apart from growing inside me. I wish she was here with me and i wish i could have breastfed her too. I choke whenever I think of her. She's also part of the reason why I want to keep going for Joel to keep him healthier and stronger, Joel her twin brother.

Joel, I believe will become a great man when he grows up just like what his cece Hannah would want for him.

I've had such a good long relationship with the avent milk pump that saying bye to it makes me feel rather sad. It's something that I've taken with me wherever I went. Looking at it always reminds me of the day that we got it so I could start expressing while the twins were in the NICU. Hannah was still upstairs, alive. It would have served both the twins if Hannah was still here with us. It has served Joel really well over the last 1.5 years. 

Thank you for never failing me and the long hours toiling with me to produce liquid gold for my precious. Deep down I hope that you'll serve me at least once more in the future for perhaps another little girl like Hannah. I sincerely wish for that. In the mean time, have a good rest, you've been really faithful to me.

Joel First Night Sleeping On His Own...

Tonight, after Joel's last feed, he decided not to sleep and played around. After I took my shower, I played with him in his cot and he actually crawled a little from one end of the cot to the other.

After rolling around and wrestling with his bok bok and bear, he gazed at the window for a while, turned towards me and looked at me and then fell straight asleep all by himself. 

Looking at him sleep, I feel so proud of him. He has come a long long way and I am so proud of all that he has achieved to date. I love him to bits.

I wish Hannah was also here to show how well she has developed. I believe that she is already crawling and even walking and talking in heaven.

I love the twins...always and forever.

Hannah's First Death Anniversary

Today is the saddest day of my entire life. My precious daughter Hannah left me a year ago. I can't believe that it has been one year that she's gone to heaven.

Looking at Joel reminds me of Hannah, how she probably would look and be right now. Would she be a playful little girl like his older and little brother? Would she be a noisy and loud little girl like her brothers? These are the questions I ask myself again and again whenever I think of her.

Days when my hair accidentally go on Joel's head, I'd imagine if that would be how Hannah looks since they're twins. I wonder if Hannah would be bigger or smaller than Joel. I wonder if Hannah would start walking and talking first or Joel would. These are questions I will never have answers to sadly.

I wish I knew her longer. I wish I could carry her while she was still breathing and tell her how much I love her and how much I want her. That's something I can never ever do again.

I miss you Hannah. I wish you were here with me now. I wish I could give you a tight hug and plenty of kisses to let you know how much I love you.

Hannah, I hope you're growing up healthy and strong in heaven just like Joel here on earth. I'm looking forward to the day to hear you calling me mummy and telling me, "mummy I have been happy waiting for you here. I grew up very healthy and happy here in heaven with all my other friends and God. Now that you're here, I can spend my eternity with you. I love you mummy!".

I love you and miss you so much Hannah.

Happy birthday my dearest twins Hannah and Joel

Happy birthday Hannah and Joel. Mummy loves you both and will always remember this day when you both were born.

Today was the only day I heard your voice Hannah. I miss you and wish you were here. Every time I see Joel I imagine what life would be with you with us too. It would be hectic but really really fulfilling. I still dream of things I can do with you my precious daughter and I just look forward to the day I see you again. I love you Hannah.

Thanks for being strong Joel. Thanks for not giving up. Thanks for being healthy and cheerful each day. I pray for you to continue to grow stronger and healthier and bigger each day. Grow up a good man so Hannah can be proud of you. I love you Joel.

Joel and Zac

My two precious boys...One is 6 and the other is nearly 6 months although 10 weeks old corrected.

Words cannot express how much I love them both. Just wanted to capture this memory into my blog of the two of them with the rest of the family members.

I love you both.

My favourite picture of Joel

This is my current favourite picture of Joel. His eyes wide open and sucking on a "pacifier".

Some said he looks like Zachary, some said he looks like Dave. Whoever he looks like, he's my charming little boy like Zachary is.

I love him so much already. I'm just waiting for the day he gets discharged and goes home with us.

I love the three boys in my life. I also love the one little girl Hannah who was in my life for a few days but who will remain in my heart forever.

31 August 2015 - My precious twins were born

On the 28th August 2015, I started having weird pains in the afternoon. Had a chat with sis and family in the afternoon after picking Zachary up from school.

When Dave got home I told him that something was not right and I was having contractions. My babies were only 27 weeks old. Dave called the hospital and we were told to go to Thomson Medical Centre to get it checked.

I was admitted immediately and put on medication to delay the labour. The medication causes heart palpitations but it should stop the contractions. After a day, or two, the doctor did an ultrasound scan to check if I was dilated. Unfortunately I was already 2cm dilated. So all we could do was hope and pray that we delay the birth as much as we could.

On and off for about 3 or 4 days I was on the medication and contractions stopped. But when medication was halted I started contracting again. I could sense that the babies were going to come sooner or later. Doctors were saying that perhaps what I was feeling weren't contractions but just tummy ache due to constipation. On the 30th August, I was administered laxatives and through out the night of 30th I was having pains on the abdomen which I thought was due to the laxatives. Unfortunately again, they were contractions. In the morning of the 31st August, about 630am, I felt a gush of water below and my greatest fear became reality. My water bag broke and I was in full force labour. I called Dave immediately and told him to come quickly.

I was wheeled to the delivery ward and everything happened in a flash. The pain of my contractions were excruciating and I just felt the pain and more than that the fear of my twins being delivered so much earlier than edd. My worst fear became real.

Dave arrived and I was wheeled into the operating theater, the anaesthetist gave me the epidural and I felt the cut below and soon after I heard my little girl's first cry in the midst of feeling I was going to pass out from everything happening. Shortly after my baby boy was also out of my womb. Doctor stitched me up and I was wheeled back to the room.

Dave went up with the babies to the NICU and came back to my room with pictures of my precious twins. We decided on their names - Hannah Zhen Juan Ng for cece and Joel Zhen An Ng for didi. They were doing fine in the NICU. I was so desperate to see them but I wasn't allowed to move after the cesarean operation. So I had to make do with pictures taken by Dave. He assured me that both babies were doing well.

Next day I finally went down to the NICU to see my twins for the first time. I was in pain seeing them all in tubes and ventilators to help them breathe. Hannah and Joel were both doing well. I was at peace.

In the afternoon, Hannah's condition took a turn and she was not doing well all of a sudden. The doctors did a cranial scan and found that she was bleeding in her head. My worst fear started ringing in my head again. How did all these happen? Why did I allow this to happen??? It's all my fault. I should have prioritised my twins above anything else.

Hannah started to deteriorate and from level 1 bleeding it quickly progressed to level 4 bleeding. On the 2nd September 2015 the doctor confirmed the worst news to us that Hannah will not make it. They will let her go at her own pace and timing. On the 3rd September 2015 morning, I wrapped Hannah's tiny fingers around my little finger and spent her last few breathing hours with her. Dave and I were grief stricken. We just cannot believe that Hannah will soon leave us forever and we will never see her again.

Hannah left peacefully and we managed to cuddle her for the first time after she passed on. It's such an irony. Heart wrenching. Heart breaking. Words cannot describe the pain that we felt. Our Hannah left us forever.

Despite all these, we had to be strong. We had Joel still in the NICU. Zachary is also waiting for us at home. We just had to be strong. There's nothing else we could do but be strong. Everyone kept telling me that I have to be strong for Joel for Zachary. I just had to be strong. I had to be strong.