Last Saturday and today were the two days that I attended church related events or seminars or conference in a very very long time. The last time I did I believe was when my family and I were still in Perth, in Riverview church.
It has been two fruitful days that I had. I remember struggling with hubs about attending it because hubs would have to hold the fort at home with the kids for two continuous weekends. I was not very happy the last weekend in HongKong with my friends too. We had plenty of drama during the trip and we weren't really agreeable on most of the stuff that we decided to do. So, when I came back, I was actually in fact looking forward to the encounter weekend organised by FCBC which I was reluctant to attend initially.
Since I had to take time off from the kids and hubs, I wanted to make the most out of it and make it a meaningful time for myself. I prayed about it and wrote a list of what I wanted to get out of the encounter weekend. I wrote five and managed to get answers and revelation from God for three. God is real. Many things happened during this encounter weekend as if it was so coincidental, although I strongly believe that it's not a coincidence that those things happened.
One of my checklist items was to seek forgiveness for my sins and ensure that I am definitely forgiven and that I will not ever doubt again the assurance of forgiveness from God. I have always blamed myself for losing Hannah. I blamed myself for not putting in more care in ensuring that both Joel and Hannah were comfortable inside of me and that they will feel the love from me even when they were inside. Instead, I was often angry during the pregnancy due to issues that surface and when I had a premature labour, I blamed myself. I blamed myself even when I was in the hospital before they were born. I even cried a lot before they were born as if I knew something bad was going to happen. To cut it short, I had the spirit of unforgiveness within me. I blamed myself each time I think of Hannah. I felt that I had committed grave sins and also sins for not protecting my own flesh and blood.
During encounter, it was during the release of curse session that I literally broke down and wept and fell over. After renouncing all the stuff that could have been carried down as a curse into my current life, I felt liberated. I've always wanted to publicly renounce all these idolatry, false stuff and many others in the presence of other Christians to proclaim that these will not have anymore effect in my life and have no authority in my life. While I was getting prayed for, I resisted but when I finally open my heart to allow the holy spirit to work within me, I felt this tingle going through my body as though it's zig zagging from the top to the bottom of my body. It's like having a big snake wriggle from the top of my body to the bottom and then I fell onto the ground. I wept as Pastor Wendy and the lady who acted as "curse" during the role play started praying for me. When I lifted my hands and the lady said "Holy spirit do your work as she is willing...", I could feel God working within the body. I somehow believe that there are things that are not of God within my body, growing up in a temple going, fortune telling seeking, Buddhist chanting, etc household. I felt liberated after the session. Pa Wendy asked me what was it that I felt and saw when I experienced that. I told her the spirit of unforgiveness. She assured me that it is not my fault that things happened and that God made things happen for a reason that we may never know. She told me to release this bad spirit and that I need to know that I'm loved by God and also forgiven for whatever that I have done. So, first checklist item crossed out.
Another thing that I always had a doubt In is my speaking in tongues. I received the gift of tongues just weeks after I accepted Christ in 1998. I had been exercising the gift ever since then, but started to doubt myself suddenly after I chanced upon some articles of people speaking in tongues supposedly praising God but In actual fact, cursing God. Another reason was in Riverview church, speaking in tongue wasn't heavily practiced and hence I stopped speaking in tongues for a while after that. Leaving Perth further drifted us from regular attendance to church due to logistics and also lack of churches that could work for our family. Anyway, coming back to the point, I doubted myself regarding the gift of tongues. During the gift of Holy Spirit session, we were all being prayed for. The guide came to me and started praying for me. Abit into her prayer, she told me to speak in tongues. I started to in faith and while praying for me, her first words to me were "Don't doubt and use this gift as it is from God". This once again affirmed me of my own doubt and another checklist item crossed out.
Finally, I seem to have lost my purpose in life since I left Perth, stopped attending church and also became a housewife who does nothing but caring for the kids and family. I was lost and didn't know why I even exist on earth. The session today renewed my spirit and longing for God again and to do his works and to draw closer and closer to Him again. I feel energised again to want to wait on him and do His will in my life. That crosses another item of my checklist.
All in all, I am grateful to hubs for helping me with the kids at home so I can go experience all these and to find a meaning in my life again. This has been such an intensed two days that I really want to record down to remember for a long long time. I hope that days when I feel weary and down, reading this blog will lift my spirits up again because GOD IS REAL. He will be there for me even when no one is there for me. I just need to call upon Him.
This verse came to mind at the end of this blog.
Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. James 4:8
