Happy birthday Hannah...31/08/2018

This post is specifically for Hannah my dearest daughter who left me too soon. I think about you all the time Hannah. I miss you all the time and I wish you were here with me. I know that you’re in a safe place and you are having a great time there. Are you as naughty as your twin brother Joel? Do you put your hands up when you eat as well? You know, Joel is really a cheeky boy now. He can speak many words now and he can protest a lot now too. If you’re still here with us I believe that you’ll be a very good Cece to Joel telling him not to block his mouth or struggle when he eats or does something. You should be very proud of Joel, Hannah. He has come a long way and we are so proud of him, just like how we are so proud of you when you were born three years ago. You put up a great fight then. Whenever I see Joel, I know that your heart is also with him and with us.

I’m feeding him as I’m typing this and at times I imagine what it would be like feeding the both of you at the table. It would be such chaos I feel, but I long for it. I long for it so much. I wish I could turn back time. I wish you were here with us. I wish I could do some girly stuff with you. I wish I could just give you a hug and a big kiss right now. Couldn’t you come back to us? Couldn’t you just make all these a bad dream and suddenly appear in front of us? I miss you Hannah.

It’s hard for me. It never gets easier. It is always hard whenever I think of you. I still remember seeing your photo for the first time today and the going upstairs to see you in person at the hospital. I was so happy that Joel and you were born into this world. I heard your cry for the first time today three years ago too. That faint and cute cry in the delievery room. I wish you were here Hannah. I wish you didn’t leave us.

Words just can’t describe how I miss and long for you. I love you Hannah. Happy birthday to you again and thank you for coming into my life and teaching me how things in life are so temporary. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a mummy to a little girl although it’s only for a few days. I am happy even so.

I love you Hannah. 

Zac’s First Camp 16/8/2018

Zac is now out having his school camp for one night. This marks his independence as a boy. It’s pretty emotional for me to think that he is slowly spreading his wings to fly and soar above in the sky. Seeing him carrying the huge backpack that’s nearly as big as him conjures up mixed feelings within; proud, happy, anxious, in awe and touched, just looking back on how far Zac has come along.

I believe he is having the time of his life although he was pretty anxious the days and nights leading to camp. Questions kept popping up into his mind - ‘what if I need the toilet at night?’, ‘what if I lose my way?’, ‘wonder who will I sleep with’ and many others. I got a picture this afternoon of him cooking some sausages and giving a huge smile with his current bestie Sam. I felt at ease knowing that he is at least having fun and feeling relaxed and happy.

By now, he should have taken his bath and having a campfire night with plenty of performances by his peers. I suspect he might have difficulty sleeping tonight as always, hoping that I’ll hear a different story when he comes home, since he’s so tired.

I felt the emptiness this afternoon without him in the house. I surprisingly miss him a lot although he has been away before for sleepovers with his friends. This is rather different as it’s more of a ‘maturing’ stage that he is going through to become a fine young man. I miss his voice and his usual antics at home and I will definitely be welcoming him home with big open arms tomorrow.

Have a wonderful time at camp my dearest son. Mummy loves you heaps and I am so proud to have a son like you. Have a good night in camp and I look forward to hearing all your adventures tomorrow.