8/9/2018 - This year I am turning 39, I more year shy of 40. Time flies and I cannot believe that three quarters of my life are gone just like that. What have I achieved in the last 39 years of my life? Honestly I cannot answer this question well and confidently. The only thing I can confidently say thus far is that I have committed my life fully to the two boys, Zac and Joel and also the man of the house, Dave. The sacrifice I have made for the three boys is the only thing I can brag of up till this point of my life. Not my CPA, not my Masters, not my Degree, not my career, not my looks, not my status, not anything else, but only the sacrifice I made.
I am not sure if this is sad, or it is something I should be proud of myself for. Apart from caring for the boys and running the household, there is nothing I could brag about in my life. I could brag about what wonderful kids I have and all. However, about myself, I have no clue about what I could talk about.
My birthday is drawing near and it does scare me to become older and older each year. I never knew that becoming old could be so scary. I worry about being a burden to the people around me. I worry about all the ailments and pains that start to surface with age. I worry about my body not being able to do certain things anymore as I age. I worry about looking older and having wrinkles on my face. I worry about my energy level depleting as my body starts to change and wither away with age. I never thought I would be this afraid of aging, but I am. Everytime I look in the mirror, I scare myself with how much I have aged, although memories of childhood, of adolescence, of being a young adult are still crystal clear in my memory.
This year, apart from my usual wish of Zachary and Joel growing up healthy and strong, happy and kind, and Joel starting to eat and chew properly, I secretly have a wish to have a daughter or another child before I turn 40. If Hannah was still around, my life would feel so much more complete. I somehow feel the void and the incompleteness. I’m not sure if it just because I’ve always had the conception that a complete family, a complete life is a family with two parents and three children. This is just my own perception of a complete family. My own and no one else’s. My last pregnancy was traumatic for me which is a complete opposite of when I had Zachary. Everytime I recount the days before Joel and Hannah were born, I could feel the trauma I felt going through the labour and also delivery of my two precious twins. Each and everytime I recall the days, I feel a pierce in my heart compared to missing the little Zachary in my womb kind of feeling. I am not sure if I am choosing to shut out the feeling, or I have simply forgotten the feeling of having Hannah and Joel inside my womb. I wish I could remember it better. Or is it because they were born so early that I eng had the chance to really feel their movements inside of me. I feel said whenever I think about it. I feel extreme sadness and hopelessness everytime I think about it and I wish that it was all still a bad dream.
I have side tracked from my original thoughts. All I want this year before I turn 40 is to be pregnant again and to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby to add on to this family. This is just a wishful thinking alone. I couldn’t have said it more anymore than I already have. I sometimes feel alone. I feel that no one listens to me. I’m glad though that I have my blog to let it all out. I wish...I could only wish...for my 39th birthday that my wishes would come true...
