Worry…not of God…16/11/2021

Today we celebrated Zac turning 12. He has been such a champion his entire 12 years thus far. As a gift from me this year, I got him an Apple Watch. He is now a fine young man, who’s going to start shouldering responsibilities of his own. 

It has been a long year for him this year. Exams and tests non stop. He finally sat for his Comprehensive Practical Piano exam with the AMEB board on the 15th. That marks the last exam he’s going to have before high school. How happy and relieved he is; I can’t imagine. 

A simple affair today to Atrium today, and the guy enjoyed himself having the variety of food. 

Worry…what’s the worry about? Joel will be having a surgery tomorrow, in fact this morning as I’m typing this. I pray Lord Jesus that you will touch Joel and the others with your healing hands. In Jesus name we pray. Amen

Joel has come a long way…

Zac and Joel…and Hannah…

While I was taking my shower today, lots of things went through my mind. I am thankful for so many things in my life. Family, friends, work, etc etc etc. Counting my blessings, I realised that I am truly blessed by God. 

I am imperfect. I have lots of problems with my body, my mind, my soul, but yet with all the imperfections, there are so many other things I should be thankful about. 

Zac won himself a scholarship to Scotch College and I am so very happy for him and proud of his achievements. He was offered the Talantagh scholarship for his outstanding academic test results. Just two days ago he was given the opportunity to attend a music fellowship audition as well. He seemed to have done very well too. He is such a champ. Regardless of the outcome, I am just extremely proud of him. 

Because Zac got the scholarship to Scotch, we are now torn about sending Joel to the same school or for him to keep attending his current school. While deliberating this in the shower, I suddenly thought of dear Hannah, who would have also been the subject to discuss when it comes to school. I thought of it hard as if Hannah was still with me. I told myself if Hannah was still here, I would probably want her and Joel to be in the same school all the way to Year 12. There wouldn’t be any discussions of Joel changing school next year. What a beautiful thought to have…I do imagine sometimes what would it be like with Hannah still alive. Will Joel still be so fussy and demanding? Or Hannah’s presence might change him altogether? It will not be the same for sure. 

Regardless of my useless beautiful thoughts, the reality bites. Hannah is no longer with me. Joel will not have a twin sister to go to school with. So, reality is whether Joel will attend the same school as Zac or continue going to the current school. I thought hard, and still have the same views. We work hard for our kids. We want the best for them. So, yes I’d probably say Joel should go to the same school as Zac. 

Not sure what I’m rambling about in this post, but it’s a super messy post. My brains are not functioning well these days. My head is in constant pain and dizziness. My memory is not as good as it used to be. Laying down here next to Zac, waiting for him to fall asleep, just for tonight…I want to be thankful…grateful…content…

I love my kids so much and I am so very proud of them. Zac, Joel and even Hannah who fought so hard to live…I pray and wish for the best for Zac and Joel and may they spread their wings and fly and soar like eagles in the sky…as for Hannah, I pray that when I meet her in heaven one day, she will say to me, you’ve done well mummy, just like what I long for God to say to me, you’ve done well my precious child. Be at rest now. 

6 years since you left us…

Dearest Hannah, my darling daughter, whom I only spent a few days on earth with. How are you doing in heaven my little champ? I’m sure you are very tall and pretty now. I miss you and every time I think of you, I’ll imagine what you look like now. Do you look like mummy? Or do you look like daddy? Everyone says Joel looks exactly like me when I was young like him. So I’d imagine you’d be very similar to me too, just because you are my daughter. 

Last week, I attended Auntie Siew Ping’s funeral. She left behind Uncle Michael, Charlotte and Alexander. I am sure she left with a heavy heart. Have you met her yet? If you see her, comfort her ok? She has a daughter too, the same age as you. I am sure seeing you will remind her so much of her little girl. I feel really sad that she left just like that. At the same time, hearing her pains and aches and struggle because of her sickness, makes me feel relieved that she is finally free from all these. Every time uncle Michael messages us with her updates, I feel like telling God, wouldn’t it lessen her pain if God could divide the pain equally to everyone praying for her healing? I can’t imagine her pain Hannah. So when she left, I believe that God just wants to release her of the suffering on this earth, just like he did when he decided to put wings on you 6 years ago today, so you can fly gently to his side, with no more struggles on this earth. 

I miss you a lot Hannah. I only have an image of you being a baby and I wish that you would appear in my dreams so that I can see what you look like now. I would be so grateful even if when I wake up, I find that it’s just a dream. So, do appear in my dreams, and call me mummy. 

I love you just as much as I love Zac and Joel. You will forever be in my heart, and thoughts. I will see you in heaven I hope. I am trying to grow closer to God, and also do my best on earth as a human being, until my last breathe, where I will finally meet you again. Till we meet again Hannah. 

Lots of Love, Kisses and Hugs,

Mummy

Happy Birthday Hannah and Joel…

 

Today darling Joel turns 6. My dearest Hannah would have turned 6 too. The twins in my life…although short lived happiness with Hannah. 

I wish for Joel the very best in everything in his life. I pray that he grows up really strong and healthy and tall. I also pray with all my might that he will grow up happy and kind and have a long long long happy and peaceful and joyous life. He has been such a blessing in my life. Never fails to kiss or hug me everyday. I must have done something good to deserve him in my life. I love you Joel.

I miss Hannah so. I wish she was here with me. I wish she was being celebrated over the weekend during the party, and with the extended family too. I wish she was a part of our lives still. But the comfort of knowing that I will see her one day, keeps me going. 

Dear Hannah, today I went to Auntie Siew Ping’s funeral. Have you met her yet? She is a lovely lady and she has a daughter just as big as you. Comfort her Hannah with your smiles and hugs and let her know that one day she will see her Charlotte and Alexander again, just like how you’ll see me again one day. I love you Hannah. Happy birthday in heaven. I’m sure you’re having a huge party up there. Lots of love, hugs and kisses, Mummy.

Today has been a bitter sweet day. Sweet as because it’s Joel’s special day. Bitter, because Hannah is not here with us and two other kids have lost their mum forever. 

Life is very unpredictable. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on what’s more important.