19 February 2017 - Last Milk Production Session for Joel

Today marks the end of milk production and supply to my precious Joel. It has been a very conflicting decision for me to make as to whether I should keep going or stop. I am typing this blog as I am expressing.

The benefits of breastmilk are so plentiful that I feel rather adamant about it although it might just be a bit that he's getting anyway. Joel has been drinking breastmilk for 18 months and I'm glad that I've persevered thus far. I believe that he has received most of the immunity I have and most of all, the love that I'm giving him with the milk that he's taking from me. Once I stop, that's it...The milk supply will never come back again. But a pat on my back, I have done well. I'm proud of myself.

One regret I have is that I've never been able to breastfeed my precious Hannah and she's never received anything from me apart from growing inside me. I wish she was here with me and i wish i could have breastfed her too. I choke whenever I think of her. She's also part of the reason why I want to keep going for Joel to keep him healthier and stronger, Joel her twin brother.

Joel, I believe will become a great man when he grows up just like what his cece Hannah would want for him.

I've had such a good long relationship with the avent milk pump that saying bye to it makes me feel rather sad. It's something that I've taken with me wherever I went. Looking at it always reminds me of the day that we got it so I could start expressing while the twins were in the NICU. Hannah was still upstairs, alive. It would have served both the twins if Hannah was still here with us. It has served Joel really well over the last 1.5 years. 

Thank you for never failing me and the long hours toiling with me to produce liquid gold for my precious. Deep down I hope that you'll serve me at least once more in the future for perhaps another little girl like Hannah. I sincerely wish for that. In the mean time, have a good rest, you've been really faithful to me.

Joel First Night Sleeping On His Own...

Tonight, after Joel's last feed, he decided not to sleep and played around. After I took my shower, I played with him in his cot and he actually crawled a little from one end of the cot to the other.

After rolling around and wrestling with his bok bok and bear, he gazed at the window for a while, turned towards me and looked at me and then fell straight asleep all by himself. 

Looking at him sleep, I feel so proud of him. He has come a long long way and I am so proud of all that he has achieved to date. I love him to bits.

I wish Hannah was also here to show how well she has developed. I believe that she is already crawling and even walking and talking in heaven.

I love the twins...always and forever.

Dad's classic story

Mum shared with me a photo of my dad, her and the gathering of some primary school friends. My dad has been friends with them since primary school.

A joke was shared by an old friend of my dad's. When my dad was about 16 or 17 years old, he had a maths teacher whose arm was a bit bent. My dad being a super cheeky student, one day said "Sir, draw your gun" (with the action of drawing the gun from the waist) to the teacher when he entered the class. After that he was punished by the maths teacher...

Hearing this joke made me crack up so much just imagining my dad doing that.

A picture of my handsome dad and his primary school friends.

Joel's First Word

We are currently in Perth for a shirt holiday. Staying at my sis' as usual and having a super laid back holiday, not doing much, just the daily necessaries.

Today at lunch, Joel muttered his first word - BANANA. Everyone cheered as though we won lotto. It was funny. Joel has come so far...I love him to bits...

Zachary and Anne bicker every single day but at the same time, enjoy each other's company.

Dave is going cycling again today. I guess his legs, arms and butt are calling out for torture...well, as long as he enjoys himself.

As for me, it's a tiring holiday. On top of Joel, I've still got to cook and wash. It's really tiring. Part of me wants to come back, part of me wants to stay back in Singapore and enjoy the luxury of a helper at home. Do I want to come back more or stay back more...COME BACK!

Zac's first night toilet visit all by himself

Today is the second last day of school for year 1. Zachary has progressed so much since he first started school in Norway. I am so proud of his achievements to date. I wish he would stop getting older and older so quickly.

Today or should I say 14th December 2016 was his first night going to the toilet on his own without asking us to accompany him. He walked to the bathroom, switched on the lights, used the toilet, washed his hands, switched off the lights and walked back to his room again all by himself.

Words cannot express how proud I am of him although I am forever rushing him, scolding him, telling him not to do this and that and telling him to do this and that. He has done so well this year in 1CU and I know that he will keep doing his best in years to come. 

I love this boy to bits and I believe in him. I believe that he will achieve everything he sets out to do and excel. I pray that God keep him healthy and strong, happy and kind always and forever. I love you Zac!

Dream...

A dream that gave a warm fuzzy feeling in the midst of a broken heart. I was intentionally reminded of how I had lost Hannah in 2015. It hurt so bad...

But the dream I had was a sweet and nice dream which for some reason I have never felt in real life or perhaps haven't felt for a long while. This messy life has not been easy and will not get easier but I welcome even the hope of something positive in the mind...even if it's just for the sleeping moment.

I attended a choir audition, but knew nothing about the songs. When I opened the song sheet, they were songs I have never even heard of before. But I received help. Unconditional help to learn the songs. I was also alone and didn't have anyone to lean on, but I was given a set of keys to a home which I'm allowed to use freely. I was lost and scared amongst everyone auditioning for choir, but was comforted.

I can't remember much of my dream, but I just know that I didn't want to wake up from it. I guess the love of God feels that way? Human love will not last forever but the love of God will...till eternity...

Unhappy

I'm currently having a 2 week break in Australia. Am I happy? Yes for being able to spend time with my parents, sis and her family and of course my immediate family.

Why am I unhappy? I am unhappy when I don't get any respect from the people whom I love. I hate it whenever people talk down to me. I find it very disrespectful and annoying behaviour for someone to behave this way. At times I just feel like totally ignoring this person or even asking this person to shut up. I don't because I tell myself not to be bothered by this disrespectful behaviour and not to stoop to the same level. Can I do it? I don't know. I have resentments building up within me and I feel I'm so congested inside that I am going to explode!

I am pissed off. Really pissed off that I had to let off some steam somewhere. Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!