Happy 8th Birthday Joel and Hannah in Heaven…

Today 8 years ago was the happiest day of my life when my twins were born - Hannah and Joel. 

I didn’t think that 8 years later, it could still bring tears to my eyes. Firstly, thinking how far my little darling Joel has come in life and lastly, how the little cry I heard in the delivery room while I was sedated still remains so clear in my head. The little cry from the little one Hannah, who has left us. 

I wonder what Hannah looks like now. The other day Zac asked me, mummy do you think Hannah looks like Joel? I told Zac, probably Zac coz they’re twins. Or she might look like me! I’m glad that Hannah still comes up during our conversations because she will be a part of our lives forever. She will be remembered and loved in our hearts. 

Joel had a birthday party at Bounce again this year. He invited his whole class and 17 of them came to the party. He had so much fun and was so happy. I’m sure if Hannah was here the party would be double the size and she would have heaps of fun too. I am so glad that the both of them came into my life, although Hannah just a few days. I am looking forward to the day we all reunite again. 

Happy birthday my darling Joel. I pray that you have a really great year ahead. I pray that you grow up healthy and strong, happy and kind. I love you Joel. 

I love you Hannah. You must be also having a ball in heaven. 

7 years since you have left…

 Dearest Hannah darling,

How are you today? It’s been 7 years since you’ve been gone. Are you enjoying yourself in heaven? 

Today seven years ago, was the saddest day of my life. It has been such a long time, but just thinking of this day, makes me feel sad. I mentioned before that I will not feel sad anymore, and to rejoice that you ever came into my life, but at times, it’s easier said than done. The hole is always there and it will never be filled up. Everytime I look back, I always wish that I could turn back time. If I could turn back time, I would do many things very differently. 

Today I was so busy at the warehouse. I was busy all morning on the computer and then after that at the warehouse. I have been so busy since coming back to Perth, it’s not funny at all. Some days I wish I could just slow down and smell the roses and look at the sky…these days it’s impossible. Time keeps tick ticking away unknowingly. Perhaps it’s a good thing because it means that seeing you is not too far away…

I miss you Hannah and always wish that you were here. If you were here, at least I could do some girly stuff with you like netball, gymnastics or even ballet. Every Saturday I’m home alone because the boys all go for kungfu. I’m just not interested in it at all. If you were here, you’d probably go for kungfu too. To me it’s so boring…

I don’t know what I’m blabbering on and on about. I’m just extremely tired. Come visit me in my dreams darling daughter. I love you heaps, miss you heaps and will always always remember the tiny you. 😚

Lots of love, hugs and kisses from Mummy

Happy Birthday Hannah and Joel

My dearest twins,

Happy birthday to the both of you!

Joel darling, you will not know how much I love you and how proud I am of you. You’ve come so far from 7 years ago. You’ve grown to be a boy full of character and wits. Everyone says that you’re a very funny kid. I believe in you Joel! I believe that you will grow up to be a very happy and kind boy, healthy and strong too. Keep doing you, Joel! I love you heaps!

Hannah, dearie, what about you? How are you up there in heaven? You must be so tall now. Do you have long hair or short hair like mummy? Do you like eating chillies like mummy? Do you have a duck voice like mummy? I can only imagine…there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you and wish you were here. I am glad though that you are in a much better place than on earth. I love you heaps and look forward to meeting you again…

I love you both and koko too. Happy birthday again. 

Lots of hugs and kisses,

Mummy

Worry…not of God…16/11/2021

Today we celebrated Zac turning 12. He has been such a champion his entire 12 years thus far. As a gift from me this year, I got him an Apple Watch. He is now a fine young man, who’s going to start shouldering responsibilities of his own. 

It has been a long year for him this year. Exams and tests non stop. He finally sat for his Comprehensive Practical Piano exam with the AMEB board on the 15th. That marks the last exam he’s going to have before high school. How happy and relieved he is; I can’t imagine. 

A simple affair today to Atrium today, and the guy enjoyed himself having the variety of food. 

Worry…what’s the worry about? Joel will be having a surgery tomorrow, in fact this morning as I’m typing this. I pray Lord Jesus that you will touch Joel and the others with your healing hands. In Jesus name we pray. Amen

Joel has come a long way…

Zac and Joel…and Hannah…

While I was taking my shower today, lots of things went through my mind. I am thankful for so many things in my life. Family, friends, work, etc etc etc. Counting my blessings, I realised that I am truly blessed by God. 

I am imperfect. I have lots of problems with my body, my mind, my soul, but yet with all the imperfections, there are so many other things I should be thankful about. 

Zac won himself a scholarship to Scotch College and I am so very happy for him and proud of his achievements. He was offered the Talantagh scholarship for his outstanding academic test results. Just two days ago he was given the opportunity to attend a music fellowship audition as well. He seemed to have done very well too. He is such a champ. Regardless of the outcome, I am just extremely proud of him. 

Because Zac got the scholarship to Scotch, we are now torn about sending Joel to the same school or for him to keep attending his current school. While deliberating this in the shower, I suddenly thought of dear Hannah, who would have also been the subject to discuss when it comes to school. I thought of it hard as if Hannah was still with me. I told myself if Hannah was still here, I would probably want her and Joel to be in the same school all the way to Year 12. There wouldn’t be any discussions of Joel changing school next year. What a beautiful thought to have…I do imagine sometimes what would it be like with Hannah still alive. Will Joel still be so fussy and demanding? Or Hannah’s presence might change him altogether? It will not be the same for sure. 

Regardless of my useless beautiful thoughts, the reality bites. Hannah is no longer with me. Joel will not have a twin sister to go to school with. So, reality is whether Joel will attend the same school as Zac or continue going to the current school. I thought hard, and still have the same views. We work hard for our kids. We want the best for them. So, yes I’d probably say Joel should go to the same school as Zac. 

Not sure what I’m rambling about in this post, but it’s a super messy post. My brains are not functioning well these days. My head is in constant pain and dizziness. My memory is not as good as it used to be. Laying down here next to Zac, waiting for him to fall asleep, just for tonight…I want to be thankful…grateful…content…

I love my kids so much and I am so very proud of them. Zac, Joel and even Hannah who fought so hard to live…I pray and wish for the best for Zac and Joel and may they spread their wings and fly and soar like eagles in the sky…as for Hannah, I pray that when I meet her in heaven one day, she will say to me, you’ve done well mummy, just like what I long for God to say to me, you’ve done well my precious child. Be at rest now. 

6 years since you left us…

Dearest Hannah, my darling daughter, whom I only spent a few days on earth with. How are you doing in heaven my little champ? I’m sure you are very tall and pretty now. I miss you and every time I think of you, I’ll imagine what you look like now. Do you look like mummy? Or do you look like daddy? Everyone says Joel looks exactly like me when I was young like him. So I’d imagine you’d be very similar to me too, just because you are my daughter. 

Last week, I attended Auntie Siew Ping’s funeral. She left behind Uncle Michael, Charlotte and Alexander. I am sure she left with a heavy heart. Have you met her yet? If you see her, comfort her ok? She has a daughter too, the same age as you. I am sure seeing you will remind her so much of her little girl. I feel really sad that she left just like that. At the same time, hearing her pains and aches and struggle because of her sickness, makes me feel relieved that she is finally free from all these. Every time uncle Michael messages us with her updates, I feel like telling God, wouldn’t it lessen her pain if God could divide the pain equally to everyone praying for her healing? I can’t imagine her pain Hannah. So when she left, I believe that God just wants to release her of the suffering on this earth, just like he did when he decided to put wings on you 6 years ago today, so you can fly gently to his side, with no more struggles on this earth. 

I miss you a lot Hannah. I only have an image of you being a baby and I wish that you would appear in my dreams so that I can see what you look like now. I would be so grateful even if when I wake up, I find that it’s just a dream. So, do appear in my dreams, and call me mummy. 

I love you just as much as I love Zac and Joel. You will forever be in my heart, and thoughts. I will see you in heaven I hope. I am trying to grow closer to God, and also do my best on earth as a human being, until my last breathe, where I will finally meet you again. Till we meet again Hannah. 

Lots of Love, Kisses and Hugs,

Mummy

Happy Birthday Hannah and Joel…

 

Today darling Joel turns 6. My dearest Hannah would have turned 6 too. The twins in my life…although short lived happiness with Hannah. 

I wish for Joel the very best in everything in his life. I pray that he grows up really strong and healthy and tall. I also pray with all my might that he will grow up happy and kind and have a long long long happy and peaceful and joyous life. He has been such a blessing in my life. Never fails to kiss or hug me everyday. I must have done something good to deserve him in my life. I love you Joel.

I miss Hannah so. I wish she was here with me. I wish she was being celebrated over the weekend during the party, and with the extended family too. I wish she was a part of our lives still. But the comfort of knowing that I will see her one day, keeps me going. 

Dear Hannah, today I went to Auntie Siew Ping’s funeral. Have you met her yet? She is a lovely lady and she has a daughter just as big as you. Comfort her Hannah with your smiles and hugs and let her know that one day she will see her Charlotte and Alexander again, just like how you’ll see me again one day. I love you Hannah. Happy birthday in heaven. I’m sure you’re having a huge party up there. Lots of love, hugs and kisses, Mummy.

Today has been a bitter sweet day. Sweet as because it’s Joel’s special day. Bitter, because Hannah is not here with us and two other kids have lost their mum forever. 

Life is very unpredictable. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on what’s more important.