4th year - A letter to Hannah

Dearest Hannah,

Good evening. It’s mummy again. How have you been my dearest daughter? How much have you grown? Are you very tall now? Are you at least 100cm now?

Every time this year, my heart is always filled with sadness and lots of emotions. I just wish you were here. Lately mummy has been overwhelmed with a lot on my plate. We will be moving from Singapore soon to the UK. This is where you were born. And we will be leaving this place for good now. I am extremely sad to be honest. I am so worried to move to the UK as we will be so far away from your Kong Kong and Ah Mas...and mummy will be all alone there with no family nor friends. Perhaps if you were still around, you being the Cece to Joel might be able to help me deal with his eating, tantrums and all. I just truly believe that you’ll be a very good Cece to the little boy who’s always so difficult with his eating. I wish you were here Hannah to teach him and grow with him and show him what’s right and what’s wrong. Although you both are twins, I just have a feeling that you’ll be a lot more matured than little Joel. Well, we shall find out when we meet in heaven next time, although I’m not even sure if I would go to heaven to meet you. 

Hannah, there is not one day that I never wished you were here with me. The family is so incomplete without you. I just feel the piece of emptiness that nothing can fill. I know no matter what I say or do, you’ll never be back. But I still sometimes wish that everything was just a bad dream. I wish I could turn back time. I would have done a lot of things differently. I have so much regrets in my life. The regrets are so painful. The pain I feel in my heart are so immense at times I don’t know what to do or say or feel. 

I wish I could just talk to you face to face like a mother and daughter would. I wish I could just get a hug from you telling me, it’s ok mummy. I wish you would appear in my dream telling me and showing me how you are now. I’d be contented. I wish many wishes but they will never come true. 

I love you Hannah. Till we meet again. 

Your mummy,

Me

You should have been 4 today Hannah

Happy birthday Hannah.

You were born about 10 minutes ago before Joel 4 years ago today. I will remember hearing your faint cry in the operating theater. I wish you were here now. Life would be so different with you around now.

I hope and pray that you’re also growing together with Joel in heaven and that you are having heaps of fun up there in heaven. I hope you have made plenty of friends up there in heaven too. I wish you were here. I really wish you were here. I am sure Joel and zac and everyone in the family wishes that you were here.

We will be celebrating Koko and Joel’s birthday together today. If you were here, how cool would it be? It would be the three of your birthdays. I miss you Hannah.

Each time I hear or see the name Hannah it pricks me in the heart. I wish that my Hannah was here. Right next to me. Even so, I’m happy you came into my life. For that brief moment.

I love and miss you heaps Hannah. I’ll see you very soon. Lots of kisses and hugs from mummy down here. 

Birthday Wishes This Year - 08/09/2018

8/9/2018 - This year I am turning 39, I more year shy of 40. Time flies and I cannot believe that three quarters of my life are gone just like that. What have I achieved in the last 39 years of my life? Honestly I cannot answer this question well and confidently. The only thing I can confidently say thus far is that I have committed my life fully to the two boys, Zac and Joel and also the man of the house, Dave. The sacrifice I have made for the three boys is the only thing I can brag of up till this point of my life. Not my CPA, not my Masters, not my Degree, not my career, not my looks, not my status, not anything else, but only the sacrifice I made. 

I am not sure if this is sad, or it is something I should be proud of myself for. Apart from caring for the boys and running the household, there is nothing I could brag about in my life. I could brag about what wonderful kids I have and all. However, about myself, I have no clue about what I could talk about. 

My birthday is drawing near and it does scare me to become older and older each year. I never knew that becoming old could be so scary. I worry about being a burden to the people around me. I worry about all the ailments and pains that start to surface with age. I worry about my body not being able to do certain things anymore as I age. I worry about looking older and having wrinkles on my face. I worry about my energy level depleting as my body starts to change and wither away with age. I never thought I would be this afraid of aging, but I am. Everytime I look in the mirror, I scare myself with how much I have aged, although memories of childhood, of adolescence, of being a young adult are still crystal clear in my memory. 

This year, apart from my usual wish of Zachary and Joel growing up healthy and strong, happy and kind, and Joel starting to eat and chew properly, I secretly have a wish to have a daughter or another child before I turn 40. If Hannah was still around, my life would feel so much more complete. I somehow feel the void and the incompleteness. I’m not sure if it just because I’ve always had the conception that a complete family, a complete life is a family with two parents and three children. This is just my own perception of a complete family. My own and no one else’s. My last pregnancy was traumatic for me which is a complete opposite of when I had Zachary. Everytime I recount the days before Joel and Hannah were born, I could feel the trauma I felt going through the labour and also delivery of my two precious twins. Each and everytime I recall the days, I feel a pierce in my heart compared to missing the little Zachary in my womb kind of feeling. I am not sure if I am choosing to shut out the feeling, or I have simply forgotten the feeling of having Hannah and Joel inside my womb. I wish I could remember it better. Or is it because they were born so early that I eng had the chance to really feel their movements inside of me. I feel said whenever I think about it. I feel extreme sadness and hopelessness everytime I think about it and I wish that it was all still a bad dream. 

I have side tracked from my original thoughts. All I want this year before I turn 40 is to be pregnant again and to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby to add on to this family. This is just a wishful thinking alone. I couldn’t have said it more anymore than I already have. I sometimes feel alone. I feel that no one listens to me. I’m glad though that I have my blog to let it all out. I wish...I could only wish...for my 39th birthday that my wishes would come true...

Remembering you Hannah 3/9/2018

Dearest daughter Hannah,

You left us three years ago today. I don’t know if you will ever know how precious you are to me, but I love you and miss you so much.


Mummy can only dream of you calling me mummy, but I still dream of it wishfully. Mummy can only dream of holding you close and hugging you tight, but I still wishfully think of it. Mummy can only imagine that I have a daughter you, Hannah with me, but I still still stupidly do it knowing that you’ll never be back.

I love you heaps Hannah. I will remember you always and forever.

Happy birthday Hannah...31/08/2018

This post is specifically for Hannah my dearest daughter who left me too soon. I think about you all the time Hannah. I miss you all the time and I wish you were here with me. I know that you’re in a safe place and you are having a great time there. Are you as naughty as your twin brother Joel? Do you put your hands up when you eat as well? You know, Joel is really a cheeky boy now. He can speak many words now and he can protest a lot now too. If you’re still here with us I believe that you’ll be a very good Cece to Joel telling him not to block his mouth or struggle when he eats or does something. You should be very proud of Joel, Hannah. He has come a long way and we are so proud of him, just like how we are so proud of you when you were born three years ago. You put up a great fight then. Whenever I see Joel, I know that your heart is also with him and with us.

I’m feeding him as I’m typing this and at times I imagine what it would be like feeding the both of you at the table. It would be such chaos I feel, but I long for it. I long for it so much. I wish I could turn back time. I wish you were here with us. I wish I could do some girly stuff with you. I wish I could just give you a hug and a big kiss right now. Couldn’t you come back to us? Couldn’t you just make all these a bad dream and suddenly appear in front of us? I miss you Hannah.

It’s hard for me. It never gets easier. It is always hard whenever I think of you. I still remember seeing your photo for the first time today and the going upstairs to see you in person at the hospital. I was so happy that Joel and you were born into this world. I heard your cry for the first time today three years ago too. That faint and cute cry in the delievery room. I wish you were here Hannah. I wish you didn’t leave us.

Words just can’t describe how I miss and long for you. I love you Hannah. Happy birthday to you again and thank you for coming into my life and teaching me how things in life are so temporary. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a mummy to a little girl although it’s only for a few days. I am happy even so.

I love you Hannah. 

Zac’s First Camp 16/8/2018

Zac is now out having his school camp for one night. This marks his independence as a boy. It’s pretty emotional for me to think that he is slowly spreading his wings to fly and soar above in the sky. Seeing him carrying the huge backpack that’s nearly as big as him conjures up mixed feelings within; proud, happy, anxious, in awe and touched, just looking back on how far Zac has come along.

I believe he is having the time of his life although he was pretty anxious the days and nights leading to camp. Questions kept popping up into his mind - ‘what if I need the toilet at night?’, ‘what if I lose my way?’, ‘wonder who will I sleep with’ and many others. I got a picture this afternoon of him cooking some sausages and giving a huge smile with his current bestie Sam. I felt at ease knowing that he is at least having fun and feeling relaxed and happy.

By now, he should have taken his bath and having a campfire night with plenty of performances by his peers. I suspect he might have difficulty sleeping tonight as always, hoping that I’ll hear a different story when he comes home, since he’s so tired.

I felt the emptiness this afternoon without him in the house. I surprisingly miss him a lot although he has been away before for sleepovers with his friends. This is rather different as it’s more of a ‘maturing’ stage that he is going through to become a fine young man. I miss his voice and his usual antics at home and I will definitely be welcoming him home with big open arms tomorrow.

Have a wonderful time at camp my dearest son. Mummy loves you heaps and I am so proud to have a son like you. Have a good night in camp and I look forward to hearing all your adventures tomorrow. 

Joel is going to school! Zac is in Year 3!

Tomorrow 22/01/2018 marks a very important milestone in Joel’s life. He will be starting school! He will be in nursery class and wearing uniform and all. It’s amazing how he has progressed from a little baby in the incubator up till today, a toddler toddling around singing and screaming and playing and laughing. He has come a long long way. Looking at him sleeping in his bed, makes me want to cry tears of joy. Nobody would ever understand the gush of emotions thinking about Joel getting this far in life. I am so proud of his achievements to date. He is such a bright and cheerful kid who brings so much joy and laughter into our lives. 

Zac will be starting Year 3!!! He will be starting his 7th year in school. I can’t believe how much Zac has grown. He is fast becoming a young man with his own sets of values and thinking. I’m proud to know that he has grown up to be a compassionate young boy who is kind and empathetic to others. He strives to do the right thing. I am proud to be his mum all these years. 

These two boys are like the veins in my body that keep me going everyday. Without them in Dave and my lives, I believe it would be less meaningful for us living on this earth. I believe that they will achieve what they set out to do in their lives and I will always support them no matter what. I love them and will always do. 

Oh and I have to add this: ‘Mummy does that mean that Joel and I will be in the same year book?’  This sentence really warmed my heart. Zac is right! Both of them will appear in the same year book! How cool is that? Extremely cool to me! I love the idea of having both my boys in the same book. I’m hopeless like that. 😂

Have a great first day in school tomorrow my precious sons!