Turning back to 2011

 I had the weirdest dream last night. I was awake and talking to someone and realised that it is 2011. I went to this place on the hill and was driving uphill. Waited at the parking lot and in came Ee Ee who had already passed away in 2024. At the age of my dream, she looked so serene and pretty when she got on the car. Dave asked her if she was married to verify. We got a scolding from her or from mum to ask such a question. I got a shock and started to verify if we were in 2021. Went through the shops and everyone was different to 2024. 

I asked my mum what the date was, she said she will go back upstairs to check. Zac and Joel were at the playground. We waited for them to come and they came. 

Next thing was Joel. I bawled my eyes out because I kept thinking that Joel will soon disappear. I hugged him tightly and continued bawling. Then realisation came that I had a second chance again to relive my life from 2011. It was a sobering thought. It meant that Joel and Hannah could be with me when 2024 comes again. I told Dave that we were given a second chance to live again. 

My dad will also be healthy and well if he did things in life a bit differently from then on and don’t suffer the stroke in 2015. 

Felicia also came into picture. I heard her calling Harn Chyi and chatting with her advising her about work and her parents. 

Zac wasn’t that obvious in my dream, but he certainly was there. He was with Joel but at 2024 age. 

I got up from my dream and had the thought, it’s only a dream. But if it’s real, do I really want to go back to 2011? I think I do want to redo my life again, so that Hannah will still be around with Joel as twins, and my dad didn’t have the stroke in that same year. 

A dream will always be a dream…back to reality now…

You’ll be 9 if you were still here…

 Dearest Hannah darling, how are you? I ask you this each time I write here. I wonder if you’re taller than Joel now. I believe you are since girls grow a little faster than boys. 

Mummy is currently in a state of overwhelmed. There’s too many things going on in my life at the moment. I wish you were here now. I also wish I could join you and meet you wherever you are. I miss you and always think of you. 

Whenever I take something from the walk in robe, I’ll say hello to you. Sometimes I’ll give you a pat, or give you a hug. It’s stupid and silly, but it does comfort me even if it’s a little. Your ashes were supposed to be placed next to your kongkong Henry so you have a final resting place, but I just feel that it’s better if your ashes stayed close by so you can be remembered whenever and wherever. I also wish that one day, once I’m gone, my ashes and yours could be scattered into the ocean together. 

You know your brothers are actually very smart kids? I believe if you’re still around, you’ll also be just like them. Koko has gone to another school and Joel is still in the same school. Joel is also doing very well this year, winning the speakers challenge and also bookmark design competition in school. If you were still here, I’m sure you’ll also do well just like them. 

Kongkong and Ahma are also now here in Australia. It’s been a rough few months with kongkong falling down and Ahma being not well. Mummy has also gone for a series of checkups, operation, procedures, etc etc. It’s been really rough few months. We have also sold the business as it’s not doing my health much good. I’m glad that we have sold the business and I can rest for a couple of months. After that I do want to get back into the workforce, but I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with pick ups, cooking, etc etc. Your daddy is always flying here and there for work and it’s really quite difficult  

I feel like I’m really talking to you and also sharing my innermost thoughts. I really wish you were here. I know that I’m supposed to let go and I have let go of you, but I still do long for you, my daughter. I wonder what it’s like if you were here…

I think and remember you all the time…wish you were here…and also miss the moments where you were still in the ICU with us, regardless of how short it was. The baby cry I heard, although sedated, and your beautiful tiny long fingers which I held for hours…I love you Hannah. 

Happy birthday Hannah and Joel…

Dearest Hannah darling…how have you been? You turn 9 today if you were still here on earth. How time flies…I still remember hearing your cry in the delivery room after they pulled you out of my womb. You came out first and then Joel. The first and last cry I heard from you. Do I miss you? I do. You’re still with me in my heart forever and ever until the day I breathe my last. 9 years old you, I wonder what you look like. Perhaps like me when I was 9? I should just imagine you as my 9 year old self. That’s the best I could do now until the day I see you again. 

Joel won the speakers challenge this year for his year group. He did so well in class, and then school challenge. He also went for interschool for this. I reckon he did very well and will do even better next year. You’ll be so proud of him as his cece if you were here. 

Yesterday he also came home from school with a bookmark printed with his design on it. He won the bookmark design competition. He is doing well in school and we are so proud of him. 

Your Koko is also doing very well in his new school. He has changed school and made new friends. I feel a bit sad that he left his old school, but it’s for the better. He also came home yesterday saying that he got 100% for his music assessment, 95% for his science test and another commendation for his geography test for scoring well. You will be very proud of your Koko if you were here too. 

Later today, we will be celebrating Joel’s birthday at bowling. He wanted a bowling party with his friends. I just imagine if you’re here too. It would be a double party and you both would really have lots of fun together as twins with your friends. 

The word twins is quite a sensitive word for me, coz each time I hear it, or mention it, it triggers something within me, because Joel also has a twin and the twin is you, my dear girl. 

Your Kongkong and Ahma are also both here now in Australia. I feel comforted that they are here close by. I pray that God will help me help look after them well with no issues and stress. I really pray that all go smoothly from now on and forwards. 

Keep cheering for me Hannah. It’s a tough life here on earth. I’m counting the days till I see you again. Life is full of surprises, and who knows, my time on earth might just be up. 

Happy birthday to you my dearest daughter. I’ll keep wishing you on here until the day I can wish you and give you a big hug face to face. I love you and miss you heaps. 

Happy birthday Joel. I can’t thank God enough for you too. Keep growing up healthy and strong, happy and kind. I am so proud of who you have become today. 

I love you both my twins. And I love your koko too. 

I miss you and I’m remembering you…

Dearest Hannah, how are you? I just took a shower and I don’t know how many times I’ve silently cried while thinking of you in the shower. Today is the same. I know that I said I’m at peace now…but it still doesn’t stop me wondering and missing you. 

I am currently caught in a battle with a customer. I have been having chest pains since. Hannah, these people are really another level and they can torture you until you break. I hope there is a closure and we can move on from this. The stress it’s causing me is not funny at all :(

I hope that you are well and happy. How tall are you now? Joel is growing up so fast and he’s a happy kid. Wish you were here to control him sometimes as his Cece. He wishes you happy birthday on your birthdays. Did you get his wishes? Koko Zac also wished you this year. Joel actually said something to heart warming. Simple but touches the heart strings. “Happy birthday twin!”. Short and sweet. 

Know that you are loved and you are missed! Cant wait to hug you once again. Till we meet again my dearest daughter. I love you!

Love,

Mummy

Happy 8th Birthday Joel and Hannah in Heaven…

Today 8 years ago was the happiest day of my life when my twins were born - Hannah and Joel. 

I didn’t think that 8 years later, it could still bring tears to my eyes. Firstly, thinking how far my little darling Joel has come in life and lastly, how the little cry I heard in the delivery room while I was sedated still remains so clear in my head. The little cry from the little one Hannah, who has left us. 

I wonder what Hannah looks like now. The other day Zac asked me, mummy do you think Hannah looks like Joel? I told Zac, probably Zac coz they’re twins. Or she might look like me! I’m glad that Hannah still comes up during our conversations because she will be a part of our lives forever. She will be remembered and loved in our hearts. 

Joel had a birthday party at Bounce again this year. He invited his whole class and 17 of them came to the party. He had so much fun and was so happy. I’m sure if Hannah was here the party would be double the size and she would have heaps of fun too. I am so glad that the both of them came into my life, although Hannah just a few days. I am looking forward to the day we all reunite again. 

Happy birthday my darling Joel. I pray that you have a really great year ahead. I pray that you grow up healthy and strong, happy and kind. I love you Joel. 

I love you Hannah. You must be also having a ball in heaven. 

7 years since you have left…

 Dearest Hannah darling,

How are you today? It’s been 7 years since you’ve been gone. Are you enjoying yourself in heaven? 

Today seven years ago, was the saddest day of my life. It has been such a long time, but just thinking of this day, makes me feel sad. I mentioned before that I will not feel sad anymore, and to rejoice that you ever came into my life, but at times, it’s easier said than done. The hole is always there and it will never be filled up. Everytime I look back, I always wish that I could turn back time. If I could turn back time, I would do many things very differently. 

Today I was so busy at the warehouse. I was busy all morning on the computer and then after that at the warehouse. I have been so busy since coming back to Perth, it’s not funny at all. Some days I wish I could just slow down and smell the roses and look at the sky…these days it’s impossible. Time keeps tick ticking away unknowingly. Perhaps it’s a good thing because it means that seeing you is not too far away…

I miss you Hannah and always wish that you were here. If you were here, at least I could do some girly stuff with you like netball, gymnastics or even ballet. Every Saturday I’m home alone because the boys all go for kungfu. I’m just not interested in it at all. If you were here, you’d probably go for kungfu too. To me it’s so boring…

I don’t know what I’m blabbering on and on about. I’m just extremely tired. Come visit me in my dreams darling daughter. I love you heaps, miss you heaps and will always always remember the tiny you. 😚

Lots of love, hugs and kisses from Mummy

Happy Birthday Hannah and Joel

My dearest twins,

Happy birthday to the both of you!

Joel darling, you will not know how much I love you and how proud I am of you. You’ve come so far from 7 years ago. You’ve grown to be a boy full of character and wits. Everyone says that you’re a very funny kid. I believe in you Joel! I believe that you will grow up to be a very happy and kind boy, healthy and strong too. Keep doing you, Joel! I love you heaps!

Hannah, dearie, what about you? How are you up there in heaven? You must be so tall now. Do you have long hair or short hair like mummy? Do you like eating chillies like mummy? Do you have a duck voice like mummy? I can only imagine…there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you and wish you were here. I am glad though that you are in a much better place than on earth. I love you heaps and look forward to meeting you again…

I love you both and koko too. Happy birthday again. 

Lots of hugs and kisses,

Mummy