Joel's First Word

We are currently in Perth for a shirt holiday. Staying at my sis' as usual and having a super laid back holiday, not doing much, just the daily necessaries.

Today at lunch, Joel muttered his first word - BANANA. Everyone cheered as though we won lotto. It was funny. Joel has come so far...I love him to bits...

Zachary and Anne bicker every single day but at the same time, enjoy each other's company.

Dave is going cycling again today. I guess his legs, arms and butt are calling out for torture...well, as long as he enjoys himself.

As for me, it's a tiring holiday. On top of Joel, I've still got to cook and wash. It's really tiring. Part of me wants to come back, part of me wants to stay back in Singapore and enjoy the luxury of a helper at home. Do I want to come back more or stay back more...COME BACK!

Zac's first night toilet visit all by himself

Today is the second last day of school for year 1. Zachary has progressed so much since he first started school in Norway. I am so proud of his achievements to date. I wish he would stop getting older and older so quickly.

Today or should I say 14th December 2016 was his first night going to the toilet on his own without asking us to accompany him. He walked to the bathroom, switched on the lights, used the toilet, washed his hands, switched off the lights and walked back to his room again all by himself.

Words cannot express how proud I am of him although I am forever rushing him, scolding him, telling him not to do this and that and telling him to do this and that. He has done so well this year in 1CU and I know that he will keep doing his best in years to come. 

I love this boy to bits and I believe in him. I believe that he will achieve everything he sets out to do and excel. I pray that God keep him healthy and strong, happy and kind always and forever. I love you Zac!

Dream...

A dream that gave a warm fuzzy feeling in the midst of a broken heart. I was intentionally reminded of how I had lost Hannah in 2015. It hurt so bad...

But the dream I had was a sweet and nice dream which for some reason I have never felt in real life or perhaps haven't felt for a long while. This messy life has not been easy and will not get easier but I welcome even the hope of something positive in the mind...even if it's just for the sleeping moment.

I attended a choir audition, but knew nothing about the songs. When I opened the song sheet, they were songs I have never even heard of before. But I received help. Unconditional help to learn the songs. I was also alone and didn't have anyone to lean on, but I was given a set of keys to a home which I'm allowed to use freely. I was lost and scared amongst everyone auditioning for choir, but was comforted.

I can't remember much of my dream, but I just know that I didn't want to wake up from it. I guess the love of God feels that way? Human love will not last forever but the love of God will...till eternity...

Unhappy

I'm currently having a 2 week break in Australia. Am I happy? Yes for being able to spend time with my parents, sis and her family and of course my immediate family.

Why am I unhappy? I am unhappy when I don't get any respect from the people whom I love. I hate it whenever people talk down to me. I find it very disrespectful and annoying behaviour for someone to behave this way. At times I just feel like totally ignoring this person or even asking this person to shut up. I don't because I tell myself not to be bothered by this disrespectful behaviour and not to stoop to the same level. Can I do it? I don't know. I have resentments building up within me and I feel I'm so congested inside that I am going to explode!

I am pissed off. Really pissed off that I had to let off some steam somewhere. Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tears...

Tears just can't stop flowing from my eyes. The thought of Hannah pains my heart. I wish she was here with me. I wish she didn't leave us so soon. I miss her so much. It still feels surreal that she actually came into my life and left. One year one, the pain never really left. I still remember her little hands holding on to my finger during her last moments. I still remember seeing the monitor beeping every few seconds because her breathing was slowly coming to a halt. I still remember her frail little body all bruised with needles. I remember holding Hannah in my arms after she breathed her last. I remember kissing her cold cheeks and hugging her lifeless body. I remember dressing her for the first and last time. The first and last cuddles with her was this day last year. My precious little Hannah really left us after fighting so hard. The thought of her fighting so hard till the end pains me even more because after fighting so hard, she still had to give in to life. My poor little Hannah. She really fought so hard for the 4 days she was on earth.

I really really wish Hannah was here with us. Smiling and crying and screaming and playing and everything. I really really do...

The tears just can't stop. Will the tears fall every year this day? I think so...because I will never ever forget my precious Hannah who left a footprint so deep in my life. I love her even though it was just 6 months in my tummy and 4 days on earth. My love for her cannot be described with words. My longing for her cannot be described with anything. I wish I just wish............

Hannah's First Death Anniversary

Today is the saddest day of my entire life. My precious daughter Hannah left me a year ago. I can't believe that it has been one year that she's gone to heaven.

Looking at Joel reminds me of Hannah, how she probably would look and be right now. Would she be a playful little girl like his older and little brother? Would she be a noisy and loud little girl like her brothers? These are the questions I ask myself again and again whenever I think of her.

Days when my hair accidentally go on Joel's head, I'd imagine if that would be how Hannah looks since they're twins. I wonder if Hannah would be bigger or smaller than Joel. I wonder if Hannah would start walking and talking first or Joel would. These are questions I will never have answers to sadly.

I wish I knew her longer. I wish I could carry her while she was still breathing and tell her how much I love her and how much I want her. That's something I can never ever do again.

I miss you Hannah. I wish you were here with me now. I wish I could give you a tight hug and plenty of kisses to let you know how much I love you.

Hannah, I hope you're growing up healthy and strong in heaven just like Joel here on earth. I'm looking forward to the day to hear you calling me mummy and telling me, "mummy I have been happy waiting for you here. I grew up very healthy and happy here in heaven with all my other friends and God. Now that you're here, I can spend my eternity with you. I love you mummy!".

I love you and miss you so much Hannah.

Happy birthday my dearest twins Hannah and Joel

Happy birthday Hannah and Joel. Mummy loves you both and will always remember this day when you both were born.

Today was the only day I heard your voice Hannah. I miss you and wish you were here. Every time I see Joel I imagine what life would be with you with us too. It would be hectic but really really fulfilling. I still dream of things I can do with you my precious daughter and I just look forward to the day I see you again. I love you Hannah.

Thanks for being strong Joel. Thanks for not giving up. Thanks for being healthy and cheerful each day. I pray for you to continue to grow stronger and healthier and bigger each day. Grow up a good man so Hannah can be proud of you. I love you Joel.

Joel and Zac

My two precious boys...One is 6 and the other is nearly 6 months although 10 weeks old corrected.

Words cannot express how much I love them both. Just wanted to capture this memory into my blog of the two of them with the rest of the family members.

I love you both.