Tears...

Tears just can't stop flowing from my eyes. The thought of Hannah pains my heart. I wish she was here with me. I wish she didn't leave us so soon. I miss her so much. It still feels surreal that she actually came into my life and left. One year one, the pain never really left. I still remember her little hands holding on to my finger during her last moments. I still remember seeing the monitor beeping every few seconds because her breathing was slowly coming to a halt. I still remember her frail little body all bruised with needles. I remember holding Hannah in my arms after she breathed her last. I remember kissing her cold cheeks and hugging her lifeless body. I remember dressing her for the first and last time. The first and last cuddles with her was this day last year. My precious little Hannah really left us after fighting so hard. The thought of her fighting so hard till the end pains me even more because after fighting so hard, she still had to give in to life. My poor little Hannah. She really fought so hard for the 4 days she was on earth.

I really really wish Hannah was here with us. Smiling and crying and screaming and playing and everything. I really really do...

The tears just can't stop. Will the tears fall every year this day? I think so...because I will never ever forget my precious Hannah who left a footprint so deep in my life. I love her even though it was just 6 months in my tummy and 4 days on earth. My love for her cannot be described with words. My longing for her cannot be described with anything. I wish I just wish............

Hannah's First Death Anniversary

Today is the saddest day of my entire life. My precious daughter Hannah left me a year ago. I can't believe that it has been one year that she's gone to heaven.

Looking at Joel reminds me of Hannah, how she probably would look and be right now. Would she be a playful little girl like his older and little brother? Would she be a noisy and loud little girl like her brothers? These are the questions I ask myself again and again whenever I think of her.

Days when my hair accidentally go on Joel's head, I'd imagine if that would be how Hannah looks since they're twins. I wonder if Hannah would be bigger or smaller than Joel. I wonder if Hannah would start walking and talking first or Joel would. These are questions I will never have answers to sadly.

I wish I knew her longer. I wish I could carry her while she was still breathing and tell her how much I love her and how much I want her. That's something I can never ever do again.

I miss you Hannah. I wish you were here with me now. I wish I could give you a tight hug and plenty of kisses to let you know how much I love you.

Hannah, I hope you're growing up healthy and strong in heaven just like Joel here on earth. I'm looking forward to the day to hear you calling me mummy and telling me, "mummy I have been happy waiting for you here. I grew up very healthy and happy here in heaven with all my other friends and God. Now that you're here, I can spend my eternity with you. I love you mummy!".

I love you and miss you so much Hannah.