11th Anniversary

A simple collage of our day today. A quick lunch at Holiday Inn and tennis lesson for the older one while poor little man is sick even while I'm typing this. Today marks our 11 years of being married to each other. Perhaps three of the biggest words that got us through the 11 years are - HUMOUR, FORGIVENESS and TOLERANCE towards each other. We fight and love over the years just like any normal couple would. Looking back at all the stuff that we did and are still doing brings back lots of memories. Calling each other dingo and wombat for 11 years, being squashed to the end of the bed while there's space next to him enough for two more people, annoying each other while the other is sleeping by squeezing the nose or opening the eyes lol, disagreeing with each other about something which happened years ago thinking that I'm/he's right, getting used to him squeezing the toothpaste from the middle instead of the end, letting each other sleep in every now and again during the weekend, arguing over the kids, getting corrected for pronunciation until we have to google to agree that there are many ways to pronounce certain words, laughing at each other's silly antics, getting in fights because both want to win in games, debating about who's more fatigued, getting into something that the other person enjoys so we get to spend time together, being a back seat driver when the other is driving and so many others which would take me forever to list. If we didn't have humour, forgiveness and tolerance in this marriage, we probably wouldn't have made it this far.

I hope that we continue this journey on earth together with the two little man, like we vowed to in church at the altar 11 years ago - till death do us part. :)

Love you dingo David.

Ps: Zac bought a PS4 himself with half of it subsidised by his dad and started playing street fighter 5. Somethingto document. :) Wonder if he is enjoying it more or his dad. :p

Encounter Weekend 18-19/3/2017

Last Saturday and today were the two days that I attended church related events or seminars or conference in a very very long time. The last time I did I believe was when my family and I were still in Perth, in Riverview church.

It has been two fruitful days that I had. I remember struggling with hubs about attending it because hubs would have to hold the fort at home with the kids for two continuous weekends. I was not very happy the last weekend in HongKong with my friends too. We had plenty of drama during the trip and we weren't really agreeable on most of the stuff that we decided to do. So, when I came back, I was actually in fact looking forward to the encounter weekend organised by FCBC which I was reluctant to attend initially. 

Since I had to take time off from the kids and hubs, I wanted to make the most out of it and make it a meaningful time for myself. I prayed about it and wrote a list of what I wanted to get out of the encounter weekend. I wrote five and managed to get answers and revelation from God for three. God is real. Many things happened during this encounter weekend as if it was so coincidental, although I strongly believe that it's not a coincidence that those things happened. 

One of my checklist items was to seek forgiveness for my sins and ensure that I am definitely forgiven and that I will not ever doubt again the assurance of forgiveness from God. I have always blamed myself for losing Hannah. I blamed myself for not putting in more care in ensuring that both Joel and Hannah were comfortable inside of me and that they will feel the love from me even when they were inside. Instead, I was often angry during the pregnancy due to issues that surface and when I had a premature labour, I blamed myself. I blamed myself even when I was in the hospital before they were born. I even cried a lot before they were born as if I knew something bad was going to happen. To cut it short, I had the spirit of unforgiveness within me. I blamed myself each time I think of Hannah. I felt that I had committed grave sins and also sins for not protecting my own flesh and blood. 

During encounter, it was during the release of curse session that I literally broke down and wept and fell over. After renouncing all the stuff that could have been carried down as a curse into my current life, I felt liberated. I've always wanted to publicly renounce all these idolatry, false stuff and many others in the presence of other Christians to proclaim that these will not have anymore effect in my life and have no authority in my life. While I was getting prayed for, I resisted but when I finally open my heart to allow the holy spirit to work within me, I felt this tingle going through my body as though it's zig zagging from the top to the bottom of my body. It's like having a big snake wriggle from the top of my body to the bottom and then I fell onto the ground. I wept as Pastor Wendy and the lady who acted as "curse" during the role play started praying for me. When I lifted my hands and the lady said "Holy spirit do your work as she is willing...", I could feel God working within the body.   I somehow believe that there are things that are not of God within my body, growing up in a temple going, fortune telling seeking, Buddhist chanting, etc household. I felt liberated after the session. Pa Wendy asked me what was it that I felt and saw when I experienced that. I told her the spirit of unforgiveness. She assured me that it is not my fault that things happened and that God made things happen for a reason that we may never know. She told me to release this bad spirit and that I need to know that I'm loved by God and also forgiven for whatever that I have done. So, first checklist item crossed out. 

Another thing that I always had a doubt In is my speaking in tongues. I received the gift of tongues just weeks after I accepted Christ in 1998. I had been exercising the gift ever since then, but started to doubt myself suddenly after I chanced upon some articles of people speaking in tongues supposedly praising God but In actual fact, cursing God. Another reason was in Riverview church, speaking in tongue wasn't heavily practiced and hence I stopped speaking in tongues for a while after that. Leaving Perth further drifted us from regular attendance to church due to logistics and also lack of churches that could work for our family. Anyway, coming back to the point, I doubted myself regarding the gift of tongues. During the gift of Holy Spirit session, we were all being prayed for. The guide came to me and started praying for me. Abit into her prayer, she told me to speak in tongues. I started to in faith and while praying for me, her first words to me were "Don't doubt and use this gift as it is from God". This once again affirmed me of my own doubt and another checklist item crossed out. 

Finally, I seem to have lost my purpose in life since I left Perth, stopped attending church and also became a housewife who does nothing but caring for the kids and family. I was lost and didn't know why I even exist on earth. The session today renewed my spirit and longing for God again and to do his works and to draw closer and closer to Him again. I feel energised again to want to wait on him and do His will in my life. That crosses another item of my checklist. 

All in all, I am grateful to hubs for helping me with the kids at home so I can go experience all these and to find a meaning in my life again. This has been such an intensed two days that I really want to record down to remember for a long long time. I hope that days when I feel weary and down, reading this blog will lift my spirits up again because GOD IS REAL. He will be there for me even when no one is there for me. I just need to call upon Him. 

This verse came to mind at the end of this blog. 

Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

Sounds of my life...

These days, the sounds that I hear everyday are repetitive and distinct to a point it scares me. The truth of these sounds gives the heart a bit of a tug here and there. There's no escape, no comfort, no assurance, no hope...

The sound of the fan whirring gives me a feeling of emptiness
The sound of the occasional fogging outside gives me the feeling of distance
The sound of the traffic on the road gives me the feeling of helplessness
The sound of the birds chirping gives me the feeling of unrequited love
The sound of my own breathing gives me the feeling of loneliness

Makes me question the purpose of my life again and why I'm made the way I am. Why me and what's me and who's me and where's me and lastly how did I become the me I am today. Numerous questions. Will these questions be answered? God knows. Searching for an answer from the bible, from God. Ultimately I'll probably get the answers if I keep searching for them. Seek and you shall find..........

Valentine's Day 2017...and misc...

These days, having a bad memory means that there would be many things that would be forgotten if they are not recorded down. I should be more diligent in penning down my memories so I can look back on my life further down the track.

This year, may be the last year before Dave becomes a full time student. Hence, I splurged a little on his birthday and also V day. Got him a long overdue belt from Mont Blanc and also a wallet from Longchamp. Hope they will serve him well for many years to come and even after he officially becomes a doctor. He has been studying so much lately that I haven't gotten much time with him. The GAMSAT is no joke. Deep down I hope that he gets into med school and follow through what he sets himself out to do. 

Side tracked. Dave got me an iPhone 6s for valentines this year. It's my second iPhone and of course, it's really nice and easy to use. It's a rose pink one with a military casing. Muahahahahaha. Typical dingo type activities. ;D

We didn't do anything on vday this year, as Dave came home late from work. I scored myself a chocolate and carrot cake from him though. They were supposed to be shared with Zac but he had to sleep, so we had some all by ourselves. At night we watched a Korean film called train to Busan. It was funny but touching at the same time. The night ended in tears...

All in all it was a very simple afffair this year, but I kinda enjoyed it very much. Much better than an elaborate huge bouquet of flowers which is a waste of money, or a lavish candlelight dinner. It was simple and warm for me this year. 

Blogging while holding Joel in my arms after a feed. Will end this with a picture of my precious two boys taken today. 

19 February 2017 - Last Milk Production Session for Joel

Today marks the end of milk production and supply to my precious Joel. It has been a very conflicting decision for me to make as to whether I should keep going or stop. I am typing this blog as I am expressing.

The benefits of breastmilk are so plentiful that I feel rather adamant about it although it might just be a bit that he's getting anyway. Joel has been drinking breastmilk for 18 months and I'm glad that I've persevered thus far. I believe that he has received most of the immunity I have and most of all, the love that I'm giving him with the milk that he's taking from me. Once I stop, that's it...The milk supply will never come back again. But a pat on my back, I have done well. I'm proud of myself.

One regret I have is that I've never been able to breastfeed my precious Hannah and she's never received anything from me apart from growing inside me. I wish she was here with me and i wish i could have breastfed her too. I choke whenever I think of her. She's also part of the reason why I want to keep going for Joel to keep him healthier and stronger, Joel her twin brother.

Joel, I believe will become a great man when he grows up just like what his cece Hannah would want for him.

I've had such a good long relationship with the avent milk pump that saying bye to it makes me feel rather sad. It's something that I've taken with me wherever I went. Looking at it always reminds me of the day that we got it so I could start expressing while the twins were in the NICU. Hannah was still upstairs, alive. It would have served both the twins if Hannah was still here with us. It has served Joel really well over the last 1.5 years. 

Thank you for never failing me and the long hours toiling with me to produce liquid gold for my precious. Deep down I hope that you'll serve me at least once more in the future for perhaps another little girl like Hannah. I sincerely wish for that. In the mean time, have a good rest, you've been really faithful to me.

Joel First Night Sleeping On His Own...

Tonight, after Joel's last feed, he decided not to sleep and played around. After I took my shower, I played with him in his cot and he actually crawled a little from one end of the cot to the other.

After rolling around and wrestling with his bok bok and bear, he gazed at the window for a while, turned towards me and looked at me and then fell straight asleep all by himself. 

Looking at him sleep, I feel so proud of him. He has come a long long way and I am so proud of all that he has achieved to date. I love him to bits.

I wish Hannah was also here to show how well she has developed. I believe that she is already crawling and even walking and talking in heaven.

I love the twins...always and forever.

Dad's classic story

Mum shared with me a photo of my dad, her and the gathering of some primary school friends. My dad has been friends with them since primary school.

A joke was shared by an old friend of my dad's. When my dad was about 16 or 17 years old, he had a maths teacher whose arm was a bit bent. My dad being a super cheeky student, one day said "Sir, draw your gun" (with the action of drawing the gun from the waist) to the teacher when he entered the class. After that he was punished by the maths teacher...

Hearing this joke made me crack up so much just imagining my dad doing that.

A picture of my handsome dad and his primary school friends.