Tears...

Dear Hannah, how are you? What are you doing these days?

Today as I was going through the invoices for payment, there was one particular invoice that required your name to be the reference of the payment. When I saw the word HANNAH, I choked up and started tearing. I thought with time, things would get better. I guess, losing you doesn’t get better with time. The longing that you’ll be here with me or that what if you were here with me seem to never go away. I looked at your ashes today and just wished so hard that you were here with me. Sometimes when I look at Joel, I would imagine what life would be like with the three of you hanky panky-ing together all day long. 

Life has been busy the last few months and I am finally starting to be able to breathe a little at work. It is still extremely busy and I work till midnight most days. It is really a different ball game when you are running your own business. Joel and Zac have been to the shop many times now. If you were here, I guess the sound level would be even higher, but I wish for that although I am so scared of sounds these days. I just wish you were here Hannah.

Having you as part of the business, really reminds me of you. I am glad that things turned out this way...because you will always be a part of me, a part of my life...and getting reminded of you always warms my heart...because I know that I have a precious daughter too...

Missing you girl,

Mummy

30/9/2020 Henry & Oliver now belongs to us...

Today marks a milestone for Dave and I. We bought a furniture retailing business and today was the day we signed the business across to our names. We officially own the business now. 

Zachary, Hannah and Joel seem to be a part of the business too. Everything I do in the office involves the three of them. I hope that they will be my strength when I feel like giving up. 

Dave is now in the UK and I have so much on my plate. I am quite amazed at how much I’m handling at the moment. I have stopped work for nearly 9 years since we left for Norway so that I can care for Zachary. Later on when Zac was a little older, I started working part time, to find out that I was pregnant with Hannah and Joel. And the rest is now history. 

Fast forward 8+ years, here I am, back to the workforce with a vengeance. I hope everything goes smoothly, I hope that in the midst of this busy-ness I will not forget who I’m working hard for - my family. I am already missing the time I have with them, solely for them everyday in the past. I hope that with time, when everything is smooth at work, I can then dedicate my time to them again. 

Side tracked. With the business, move, shipment, kids, school runs, cooking, washing, and all the other numerous stuff going on, I just hope that we will settle down soon. Hope Dave gets back soon too. 

Thank you God, for this opportunity to get back to work again, and I pray earnestly that you continue to guide my family and I and be with us throughout the good and the bad times as well. Keep each and everyone in my family healthy and safe. Amen. 

I love you Hannah - 5th Year

Dearest darling Hannah,

It’s me again, your mummy. How are you today? It’s been 5 years since you left us and I still remember clearly the day you left us. How I was holding on to your tiny fingers as you breathed your last. Your long and tiny and cute fingers. I still remember so clearly up till today. You had the longest and prettiest fingers and nails among the whole family. I also remember how when I first saw you, how much joy it brought to me when i thought about all the girly stuff we could do together. I can just imagine it now...or do it in my dreams...

Today we drove past the netball centre that I had always dreamed of going to with my daughter. When we drove past it today, I felt a prick in my heart when I thought of you. I know that it will never happen ever in this life. I feel so sad just thinking about it.   

I know that every year I say the same old thing to you and I would probably do so for the rest of my life. This is my only way to connect with you and repeating it again and again may be the only way for me to feel better. 

Your daddy asked me today, ‘is it getting better with time?’, I don’t think so. This time each year, there’s always a strange feeling. September should be a happy month as it’s your Kong’s and also my birthday...but it’s never ever the same again ever since you came and left your footprint in my life. 

We are back in Perth now, where your home should be. You are also involved in the new business that we are purchasing. Hannah Grace...forever with us. Each time we do something with the business, we will be reminded of you...you’ll always be a part of the family. 

Joel has started asking who the baby in the cupboard is. It pains me to tell him that you’re his Cece, he survived and you didn’t. I will slowly introduce you to him as he gets older. He knows the name Hannah now. We will let him know that you two were the closest beings on this earth and in mummy’s womb. We will also officially take Zac to visit you once we have you in your resting place. I’m sure they’ll say heaps of stuff to you. I’ll make them write letters to you too overtime. 

Rest in peace Hannah. Know that you’re loved and always remembered. Mummy loves you heaps. 

Hello Hannah

Dearest Hannah my precious little one. How have you been? How tall are you now? How long is your hair now? Can you read and write now? Can you jump and skip and dance now? How much have you grown? I believe you are having a great time in heaven now. 

Mummy is missing you so much now. It’s your birthday tomorrow. And I wish so much that you are here with me. You would be five tomorrow like your twin brother Joel. He has grown so much now and he likes to scream a lot these days to get his ways. I wish you were here to tell him ‘Didi, don’t be naughty and listen.’ I’m quite sure you’ll be such a Cece. You’ll be a very good Cece to him. I believe it so much that it warms my heart just thinking about it. 

You have travelled half the world with us in the last year or so. You were in Singapore, then to England and now back in your home, Australia. We can finally find a resting place for you where we can come and visit you every year. I’m a bit hesitant to put you somewhere to rest finally, as I’ve liked and found comfort in the though that you’ve always been with us everywhere we went. But I believe that it’s good to find you a nice and peaceful resting place where I’d like to be too next time when I come and see you again. So Hannah, I’ll look into that once we have settled in nicely. 

And Hannah, for you, I have decided to start building my relationship with God again so that I will not end up in hell and miss the chance of meeting you in heaven. I wonder if you look like me when I was a little girl. Each time I see pictures of my younger self, I’d imagine you being like me. It would really be nice to see how you’re like as a little girl. Up there in heaven, take lots of pictures and keep them for me so that I can see youR growth when I meet you again. 

We are in quarantine now. And I’m in the bathroom typing this letter to you Hannah. I want you to know that I love you, I miss you heaps and that you’re always in my heart. 

Happy birthday for tomorrow my dearest daughter Hannah. Enjoy yourself up in heaven. 

Lots of love, kisses and hugs,

Mummy