Turning back to 2011

 I had the weirdest dream last night. I was awake and talking to someone and realised that it is 2011. I went to this place on the hill and was driving uphill. Waited at the parking lot and in came Ee Ee who had already passed away in 2024. At the age of my dream, she looked so serene and pretty when she got on the car. Dave asked her if she was married to verify. We got a scolding from her or from mum to ask such a question. I got a shock and started to verify if we were in 2021. Went through the shops and everyone was different to 2024. 

I asked my mum what the date was, she said she will go back upstairs to check. Zac and Joel were at the playground. We waited for them to come and they came. 

Next thing was Joel. I bawled my eyes out because I kept thinking that Joel will soon disappear. I hugged him tightly and continued bawling. Then realisation came that I had a second chance again to relive my life from 2011. It was a sobering thought. It meant that Joel and Hannah could be with me when 2024 comes again. I told Dave that we were given a second chance to live again. 

My dad will also be healthy and well if he did things in life a bit differently from then on and don’t suffer the stroke in 2015. 

Felicia also came into picture. I heard her calling Harn Chyi and chatting with her advising her about work and her parents. 

Zac wasn’t that obvious in my dream, but he certainly was there. He was with Joel but at 2024 age. 

I got up from my dream and had the thought, it’s only a dream. But if it’s real, do I really want to go back to 2011? I think I do want to redo my life again, so that Hannah will still be around with Joel as twins, and my dad didn’t have the stroke in that same year. 

A dream will always be a dream…back to reality now…

You’ll be 9 if you were still here…

 Dearest Hannah darling, how are you? I ask you this each time I write here. I wonder if you’re taller than Joel now. I believe you are since girls grow a little faster than boys. 

Mummy is currently in a state of overwhelmed. There’s too many things going on in my life at the moment. I wish you were here now. I also wish I could join you and meet you wherever you are. I miss you and always think of you. 

Whenever I take something from the walk in robe, I’ll say hello to you. Sometimes I’ll give you a pat, or give you a hug. It’s stupid and silly, but it does comfort me even if it’s a little. Your ashes were supposed to be placed next to your kongkong Henry so you have a final resting place, but I just feel that it’s better if your ashes stayed close by so you can be remembered whenever and wherever. I also wish that one day, once I’m gone, my ashes and yours could be scattered into the ocean together. 

You know your brothers are actually very smart kids? I believe if you’re still around, you’ll also be just like them. Koko has gone to another school and Joel is still in the same school. Joel is also doing very well this year, winning the speakers challenge and also bookmark design competition in school. If you were still here, I’m sure you’ll also do well just like them. 

Kongkong and Ahma are also now here in Australia. It’s been a rough few months with kongkong falling down and Ahma being not well. Mummy has also gone for a series of checkups, operation, procedures, etc etc. It’s been really rough few months. We have also sold the business as it’s not doing my health much good. I’m glad that we have sold the business and I can rest for a couple of months. After that I do want to get back into the workforce, but I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with pick ups, cooking, etc etc. Your daddy is always flying here and there for work and it’s really quite difficult  

I feel like I’m really talking to you and also sharing my innermost thoughts. I really wish you were here. I know that I’m supposed to let go and I have let go of you, but I still do long for you, my daughter. I wonder what it’s like if you were here…

I think and remember you all the time…wish you were here…and also miss the moments where you were still in the ICU with us, regardless of how short it was. The baby cry I heard, although sedated, and your beautiful tiny long fingers which I held for hours…I love you Hannah.