Unhappy

I'm currently having a 2 week break in Australia. Am I happy? Yes for being able to spend time with my parents, sis and her family and of course my immediate family.

Why am I unhappy? I am unhappy when I don't get any respect from the people whom I love. I hate it whenever people talk down to me. I find it very disrespectful and annoying behaviour for someone to behave this way. At times I just feel like totally ignoring this person or even asking this person to shut up. I don't because I tell myself not to be bothered by this disrespectful behaviour and not to stoop to the same level. Can I do it? I don't know. I have resentments building up within me and I feel I'm so congested inside that I am going to explode!

I am pissed off. Really pissed off that I had to let off some steam somewhere. Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tears...

Tears just can't stop flowing from my eyes. The thought of Hannah pains my heart. I wish she was here with me. I wish she didn't leave us so soon. I miss her so much. It still feels surreal that she actually came into my life and left. One year one, the pain never really left. I still remember her little hands holding on to my finger during her last moments. I still remember seeing the monitor beeping every few seconds because her breathing was slowly coming to a halt. I still remember her frail little body all bruised with needles. I remember holding Hannah in my arms after she breathed her last. I remember kissing her cold cheeks and hugging her lifeless body. I remember dressing her for the first and last time. The first and last cuddles with her was this day last year. My precious little Hannah really left us after fighting so hard. The thought of her fighting so hard till the end pains me even more because after fighting so hard, she still had to give in to life. My poor little Hannah. She really fought so hard for the 4 days she was on earth.

I really really wish Hannah was here with us. Smiling and crying and screaming and playing and everything. I really really do...

The tears just can't stop. Will the tears fall every year this day? I think so...because I will never ever forget my precious Hannah who left a footprint so deep in my life. I love her even though it was just 6 months in my tummy and 4 days on earth. My love for her cannot be described with words. My longing for her cannot be described with anything. I wish I just wish............

Hannah's First Death Anniversary

Today is the saddest day of my entire life. My precious daughter Hannah left me a year ago. I can't believe that it has been one year that she's gone to heaven.

Looking at Joel reminds me of Hannah, how she probably would look and be right now. Would she be a playful little girl like his older and little brother? Would she be a noisy and loud little girl like her brothers? These are the questions I ask myself again and again whenever I think of her.

Days when my hair accidentally go on Joel's head, I'd imagine if that would be how Hannah looks since they're twins. I wonder if Hannah would be bigger or smaller than Joel. I wonder if Hannah would start walking and talking first or Joel would. These are questions I will never have answers to sadly.

I wish I knew her longer. I wish I could carry her while she was still breathing and tell her how much I love her and how much I want her. That's something I can never ever do again.

I miss you Hannah. I wish you were here with me now. I wish I could give you a tight hug and plenty of kisses to let you know how much I love you.

Hannah, I hope you're growing up healthy and strong in heaven just like Joel here on earth. I'm looking forward to the day to hear you calling me mummy and telling me, "mummy I have been happy waiting for you here. I grew up very healthy and happy here in heaven with all my other friends and God. Now that you're here, I can spend my eternity with you. I love you mummy!".

I love you and miss you so much Hannah.

Happy birthday my dearest twins Hannah and Joel

Happy birthday Hannah and Joel. Mummy loves you both and will always remember this day when you both were born.

Today was the only day I heard your voice Hannah. I miss you and wish you were here. Every time I see Joel I imagine what life would be with you with us too. It would be hectic but really really fulfilling. I still dream of things I can do with you my precious daughter and I just look forward to the day I see you again. I love you Hannah.

Thanks for being strong Joel. Thanks for not giving up. Thanks for being healthy and cheerful each day. I pray for you to continue to grow stronger and healthier and bigger each day. Grow up a good man so Hannah can be proud of you. I love you Joel.

Joel and Zac

My two precious boys...One is 6 and the other is nearly 6 months although 10 weeks old corrected.

Words cannot express how much I love them both. Just wanted to capture this memory into my blog of the two of them with the rest of the family members.

I love you both.

My favourite picture of Joel

This is my current favourite picture of Joel. His eyes wide open and sucking on a "pacifier".

Some said he looks like Zachary, some said he looks like Dave. Whoever he looks like, he's my charming little boy like Zachary is.

I love him so much already. I'm just waiting for the day he gets discharged and goes home with us.

I love the three boys in my life. I also love the one little girl Hannah who was in my life for a few days but who will remain in my heart forever.

24th 26th September 2015 - Dark clouds hovering over me...

There must be some form of dark clouds hovering over my head. Things are just not going right for me.

On the 24th, we went for dinner at Pow Sing. When I got off the car, I tripped over the umbrella in the car and fell right over onto the road. Big patch of wound on my left knee and a small patch on my right ankle.

As thought it wasn't bad enough, on the 26th when we were in Best Denki, after getting off the car, walked barely a few steps I fell down again on the road. Tore more skin off my already wounded left knee, right knee and twisted my right ankle this time. It was a dramatic fall. I would have laughed at myself watching me fall.

Why are these things happening to me? What have I done to deserve all these? Or is it just because I am tired and I am not paying enough attention to my surroundings? I wish I knew the answer.

I hope that my ankle is OK as I still need to march on daily for the three boys; wounded or not.