6 years since you left us…

Dearest Hannah, my darling daughter, whom I only spent a few days on earth with. How are you doing in heaven my little champ? I’m sure you are very tall and pretty now. I miss you and every time I think of you, I’ll imagine what you look like now. Do you look like mummy? Or do you look like daddy? Everyone says Joel looks exactly like me when I was young like him. So I’d imagine you’d be very similar to me too, just because you are my daughter. 

Last week, I attended Auntie Siew Ping’s funeral. She left behind Uncle Michael, Charlotte and Alexander. I am sure she left with a heavy heart. Have you met her yet? If you see her, comfort her ok? She has a daughter too, the same age as you. I am sure seeing you will remind her so much of her little girl. I feel really sad that she left just like that. At the same time, hearing her pains and aches and struggle because of her sickness, makes me feel relieved that she is finally free from all these. Every time uncle Michael messages us with her updates, I feel like telling God, wouldn’t it lessen her pain if God could divide the pain equally to everyone praying for her healing? I can’t imagine her pain Hannah. So when she left, I believe that God just wants to release her of the suffering on this earth, just like he did when he decided to put wings on you 6 years ago today, so you can fly gently to his side, with no more struggles on this earth. 

I miss you a lot Hannah. I only have an image of you being a baby and I wish that you would appear in my dreams so that I can see what you look like now. I would be so grateful even if when I wake up, I find that it’s just a dream. So, do appear in my dreams, and call me mummy. 

I love you just as much as I love Zac and Joel. You will forever be in my heart, and thoughts. I will see you in heaven I hope. I am trying to grow closer to God, and also do my best on earth as a human being, until my last breathe, where I will finally meet you again. Till we meet again Hannah. 

Lots of Love, Kisses and Hugs,

Mummy

Happy Birthday Hannah and Joel…

 

Today darling Joel turns 6. My dearest Hannah would have turned 6 too. The twins in my life…although short lived happiness with Hannah. 

I wish for Joel the very best in everything in his life. I pray that he grows up really strong and healthy and tall. I also pray with all my might that he will grow up happy and kind and have a long long long happy and peaceful and joyous life. He has been such a blessing in my life. Never fails to kiss or hug me everyday. I must have done something good to deserve him in my life. I love you Joel.

I miss Hannah so. I wish she was here with me. I wish she was being celebrated over the weekend during the party, and with the extended family too. I wish she was a part of our lives still. But the comfort of knowing that I will see her one day, keeps me going. 

Dear Hannah, today I went to Auntie Siew Ping’s funeral. Have you met her yet? She is a lovely lady and she has a daughter just as big as you. Comfort her Hannah with your smiles and hugs and let her know that one day she will see her Charlotte and Alexander again, just like how you’ll see me again one day. I love you Hannah. Happy birthday in heaven. I’m sure you’re having a huge party up there. Lots of love, hugs and kisses, Mummy.

Today has been a bitter sweet day. Sweet as because it’s Joel’s special day. Bitter, because Hannah is not here with us and two other kids have lost their mum forever. 

Life is very unpredictable. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on what’s more important.

Tears...

Dear Hannah, how are you? What are you doing these days?

Today as I was going through the invoices for payment, there was one particular invoice that required your name to be the reference of the payment. When I saw the word HANNAH, I choked up and started tearing. I thought with time, things would get better. I guess, losing you doesn’t get better with time. The longing that you’ll be here with me or that what if you were here with me seem to never go away. I looked at your ashes today and just wished so hard that you were here with me. Sometimes when I look at Joel, I would imagine what life would be like with the three of you hanky panky-ing together all day long. 

Life has been busy the last few months and I am finally starting to be able to breathe a little at work. It is still extremely busy and I work till midnight most days. It is really a different ball game when you are running your own business. Joel and Zac have been to the shop many times now. If you were here, I guess the sound level would be even higher, but I wish for that although I am so scared of sounds these days. I just wish you were here Hannah.

Having you as part of the business, really reminds me of you. I am glad that things turned out this way...because you will always be a part of me, a part of my life...and getting reminded of you always warms my heart...because I know that I have a precious daughter too...

Missing you girl,

Mummy

30/9/2020 Henry & Oliver now belongs to us...

Today marks a milestone for Dave and I. We bought a furniture retailing business and today was the day we signed the business across to our names. We officially own the business now. 

Zachary, Hannah and Joel seem to be a part of the business too. Everything I do in the office involves the three of them. I hope that they will be my strength when I feel like giving up. 

Dave is now in the UK and I have so much on my plate. I am quite amazed at how much I’m handling at the moment. I have stopped work for nearly 9 years since we left for Norway so that I can care for Zachary. Later on when Zac was a little older, I started working part time, to find out that I was pregnant with Hannah and Joel. And the rest is now history. 

Fast forward 8+ years, here I am, back to the workforce with a vengeance. I hope everything goes smoothly, I hope that in the midst of this busy-ness I will not forget who I’m working hard for - my family. I am already missing the time I have with them, solely for them everyday in the past. I hope that with time, when everything is smooth at work, I can then dedicate my time to them again. 

Side tracked. With the business, move, shipment, kids, school runs, cooking, washing, and all the other numerous stuff going on, I just hope that we will settle down soon. Hope Dave gets back soon too. 

Thank you God, for this opportunity to get back to work again, and I pray earnestly that you continue to guide my family and I and be with us throughout the good and the bad times as well. Keep each and everyone in my family healthy and safe. Amen. 

I love you Hannah - 5th Year

Dearest darling Hannah,

It’s me again, your mummy. How are you today? It’s been 5 years since you left us and I still remember clearly the day you left us. How I was holding on to your tiny fingers as you breathed your last. Your long and tiny and cute fingers. I still remember so clearly up till today. You had the longest and prettiest fingers and nails among the whole family. I also remember how when I first saw you, how much joy it brought to me when i thought about all the girly stuff we could do together. I can just imagine it now...or do it in my dreams...

Today we drove past the netball centre that I had always dreamed of going to with my daughter. When we drove past it today, I felt a prick in my heart when I thought of you. I know that it will never happen ever in this life. I feel so sad just thinking about it.   

I know that every year I say the same old thing to you and I would probably do so for the rest of my life. This is my only way to connect with you and repeating it again and again may be the only way for me to feel better. 

Your daddy asked me today, ‘is it getting better with time?’, I don’t think so. This time each year, there’s always a strange feeling. September should be a happy month as it’s your Kong’s and also my birthday...but it’s never ever the same again ever since you came and left your footprint in my life. 

We are back in Perth now, where your home should be. You are also involved in the new business that we are purchasing. Hannah Grace...forever with us. Each time we do something with the business, we will be reminded of you...you’ll always be a part of the family. 

Joel has started asking who the baby in the cupboard is. It pains me to tell him that you’re his Cece, he survived and you didn’t. I will slowly introduce you to him as he gets older. He knows the name Hannah now. We will let him know that you two were the closest beings on this earth and in mummy’s womb. We will also officially take Zac to visit you once we have you in your resting place. I’m sure they’ll say heaps of stuff to you. I’ll make them write letters to you too overtime. 

Rest in peace Hannah. Know that you’re loved and always remembered. Mummy loves you heaps. 

Hello Hannah

Dearest Hannah my precious little one. How have you been? How tall are you now? How long is your hair now? Can you read and write now? Can you jump and skip and dance now? How much have you grown? I believe you are having a great time in heaven now. 

Mummy is missing you so much now. It’s your birthday tomorrow. And I wish so much that you are here with me. You would be five tomorrow like your twin brother Joel. He has grown so much now and he likes to scream a lot these days to get his ways. I wish you were here to tell him ‘Didi, don’t be naughty and listen.’ I’m quite sure you’ll be such a Cece. You’ll be a very good Cece to him. I believe it so much that it warms my heart just thinking about it. 

You have travelled half the world with us in the last year or so. You were in Singapore, then to England and now back in your home, Australia. We can finally find a resting place for you where we can come and visit you every year. I’m a bit hesitant to put you somewhere to rest finally, as I’ve liked and found comfort in the though that you’ve always been with us everywhere we went. But I believe that it’s good to find you a nice and peaceful resting place where I’d like to be too next time when I come and see you again. So Hannah, I’ll look into that once we have settled in nicely. 

And Hannah, for you, I have decided to start building my relationship with God again so that I will not end up in hell and miss the chance of meeting you in heaven. I wonder if you look like me when I was a little girl. Each time I see pictures of my younger self, I’d imagine you being like me. It would really be nice to see how you’re like as a little girl. Up there in heaven, take lots of pictures and keep them for me so that I can see youR growth when I meet you again. 

We are in quarantine now. And I’m in the bathroom typing this letter to you Hannah. I want you to know that I love you, I miss you heaps and that you’re always in my heart. 

Happy birthday for tomorrow my dearest daughter Hannah. Enjoy yourself up in heaven. 

Lots of love, kisses and hugs,

Mummy

4th year - A letter to Hannah

Dearest Hannah,

Good evening. It’s mummy again. How have you been my dearest daughter? How much have you grown? Are you very tall now? Are you at least 100cm now?

Every time this year, my heart is always filled with sadness and lots of emotions. I just wish you were here. Lately mummy has been overwhelmed with a lot on my plate. We will be moving from Singapore soon to the UK. This is where you were born. And we will be leaving this place for good now. I am extremely sad to be honest. I am so worried to move to the UK as we will be so far away from your Kong Kong and Ah Mas...and mummy will be all alone there with no family nor friends. Perhaps if you were still around, you being the Cece to Joel might be able to help me deal with his eating, tantrums and all. I just truly believe that you’ll be a very good Cece to the little boy who’s always so difficult with his eating. I wish you were here Hannah to teach him and grow with him and show him what’s right and what’s wrong. Although you both are twins, I just have a feeling that you’ll be a lot more matured than little Joel. Well, we shall find out when we meet in heaven next time, although I’m not even sure if I would go to heaven to meet you. 

Hannah, there is not one day that I never wished you were here with me. The family is so incomplete without you. I just feel the piece of emptiness that nothing can fill. I know no matter what I say or do, you’ll never be back. But I still sometimes wish that everything was just a bad dream. I wish I could turn back time. I would have done a lot of things differently. I have so much regrets in my life. The regrets are so painful. The pain I feel in my heart are so immense at times I don’t know what to do or say or feel. 

I wish I could just talk to you face to face like a mother and daughter would. I wish I could just get a hug from you telling me, it’s ok mummy. I wish you would appear in my dream telling me and showing me how you are now. I’d be contented. I wish many wishes but they will never come true. 

I love you Hannah. Till we meet again. 

Your mummy,

Me