Worry…not of God…16/11/2021

Today we celebrated Zac turning 12. He has been such a champion his entire 12 years thus far. As a gift from me this year, I got him an Apple Watch. He is now a fine young man, who’s going to start shouldering responsibilities of his own. 

It has been a long year for him this year. Exams and tests non stop. He finally sat for his Comprehensive Practical Piano exam with the AMEB board on the 15th. That marks the last exam he’s going to have before high school. How happy and relieved he is; I can’t imagine. 

A simple affair today to Atrium today, and the guy enjoyed himself having the variety of food. 

Worry…what’s the worry about? Joel will be having a surgery tomorrow, in fact this morning as I’m typing this. I pray Lord Jesus that you will touch Joel and the others with your healing hands. In Jesus name we pray. Amen

Joel has come a long way…

Zac and Joel…and Hannah…

While I was taking my shower today, lots of things went through my mind. I am thankful for so many things in my life. Family, friends, work, etc etc etc. Counting my blessings, I realised that I am truly blessed by God. 

I am imperfect. I have lots of problems with my body, my mind, my soul, but yet with all the imperfections, there are so many other things I should be thankful about. 

Zac won himself a scholarship to Scotch College and I am so very happy for him and proud of his achievements. He was offered the Talantagh scholarship for his outstanding academic test results. Just two days ago he was given the opportunity to attend a music fellowship audition as well. He seemed to have done very well too. He is such a champ. Regardless of the outcome, I am just extremely proud of him. 

Because Zac got the scholarship to Scotch, we are now torn about sending Joel to the same school or for him to keep attending his current school. While deliberating this in the shower, I suddenly thought of dear Hannah, who would have also been the subject to discuss when it comes to school. I thought of it hard as if Hannah was still with me. I told myself if Hannah was still here, I would probably want her and Joel to be in the same school all the way to Year 12. There wouldn’t be any discussions of Joel changing school next year. What a beautiful thought to have…I do imagine sometimes what would it be like with Hannah still alive. Will Joel still be so fussy and demanding? Or Hannah’s presence might change him altogether? It will not be the same for sure. 

Regardless of my useless beautiful thoughts, the reality bites. Hannah is no longer with me. Joel will not have a twin sister to go to school with. So, reality is whether Joel will attend the same school as Zac or continue going to the current school. I thought hard, and still have the same views. We work hard for our kids. We want the best for them. So, yes I’d probably say Joel should go to the same school as Zac. 

Not sure what I’m rambling about in this post, but it’s a super messy post. My brains are not functioning well these days. My head is in constant pain and dizziness. My memory is not as good as it used to be. Laying down here next to Zac, waiting for him to fall asleep, just for tonight…I want to be thankful…grateful…content…

I love my kids so much and I am so very proud of them. Zac, Joel and even Hannah who fought so hard to live…I pray and wish for the best for Zac and Joel and may they spread their wings and fly and soar like eagles in the sky…as for Hannah, I pray that when I meet her in heaven one day, she will say to me, you’ve done well mummy, just like what I long for God to say to me, you’ve done well my precious child. Be at rest now. 

6 years since you left us…

Dearest Hannah, my darling daughter, whom I only spent a few days on earth with. How are you doing in heaven my little champ? I’m sure you are very tall and pretty now. I miss you and every time I think of you, I’ll imagine what you look like now. Do you look like mummy? Or do you look like daddy? Everyone says Joel looks exactly like me when I was young like him. So I’d imagine you’d be very similar to me too, just because you are my daughter. 

Last week, I attended Auntie Siew Ping’s funeral. She left behind Uncle Michael, Charlotte and Alexander. I am sure she left with a heavy heart. Have you met her yet? If you see her, comfort her ok? She has a daughter too, the same age as you. I am sure seeing you will remind her so much of her little girl. I feel really sad that she left just like that. At the same time, hearing her pains and aches and struggle because of her sickness, makes me feel relieved that she is finally free from all these. Every time uncle Michael messages us with her updates, I feel like telling God, wouldn’t it lessen her pain if God could divide the pain equally to everyone praying for her healing? I can’t imagine her pain Hannah. So when she left, I believe that God just wants to release her of the suffering on this earth, just like he did when he decided to put wings on you 6 years ago today, so you can fly gently to his side, with no more struggles on this earth. 

I miss you a lot Hannah. I only have an image of you being a baby and I wish that you would appear in my dreams so that I can see what you look like now. I would be so grateful even if when I wake up, I find that it’s just a dream. So, do appear in my dreams, and call me mummy. 

I love you just as much as I love Zac and Joel. You will forever be in my heart, and thoughts. I will see you in heaven I hope. I am trying to grow closer to God, and also do my best on earth as a human being, until my last breathe, where I will finally meet you again. Till we meet again Hannah. 

Lots of Love, Kisses and Hugs,

Mummy

Happy Birthday Hannah and Joel…

 

Today darling Joel turns 6. My dearest Hannah would have turned 6 too. The twins in my life…although short lived happiness with Hannah. 

I wish for Joel the very best in everything in his life. I pray that he grows up really strong and healthy and tall. I also pray with all my might that he will grow up happy and kind and have a long long long happy and peaceful and joyous life. He has been such a blessing in my life. Never fails to kiss or hug me everyday. I must have done something good to deserve him in my life. I love you Joel.

I miss Hannah so. I wish she was here with me. I wish she was being celebrated over the weekend during the party, and with the extended family too. I wish she was a part of our lives still. But the comfort of knowing that I will see her one day, keeps me going. 

Dear Hannah, today I went to Auntie Siew Ping’s funeral. Have you met her yet? She is a lovely lady and she has a daughter just as big as you. Comfort her Hannah with your smiles and hugs and let her know that one day she will see her Charlotte and Alexander again, just like how you’ll see me again one day. I love you Hannah. Happy birthday in heaven. I’m sure you’re having a huge party up there. Lots of love, hugs and kisses, Mummy.

Today has been a bitter sweet day. Sweet as because it’s Joel’s special day. Bitter, because Hannah is not here with us and two other kids have lost their mum forever. 

Life is very unpredictable. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on what’s more important.

Tears...

Dear Hannah, how are you? What are you doing these days?

Today as I was going through the invoices for payment, there was one particular invoice that required your name to be the reference of the payment. When I saw the word HANNAH, I choked up and started tearing. I thought with time, things would get better. I guess, losing you doesn’t get better with time. The longing that you’ll be here with me or that what if you were here with me seem to never go away. I looked at your ashes today and just wished so hard that you were here with me. Sometimes when I look at Joel, I would imagine what life would be like with the three of you hanky panky-ing together all day long. 

Life has been busy the last few months and I am finally starting to be able to breathe a little at work. It is still extremely busy and I work till midnight most days. It is really a different ball game when you are running your own business. Joel and Zac have been to the shop many times now. If you were here, I guess the sound level would be even higher, but I wish for that although I am so scared of sounds these days. I just wish you were here Hannah.

Having you as part of the business, really reminds me of you. I am glad that things turned out this way...because you will always be a part of me, a part of my life...and getting reminded of you always warms my heart...because I know that I have a precious daughter too...

Missing you girl,

Mummy

30/9/2020 Henry & Oliver now belongs to us...

Today marks a milestone for Dave and I. We bought a furniture retailing business and today was the day we signed the business across to our names. We officially own the business now. 

Zachary, Hannah and Joel seem to be a part of the business too. Everything I do in the office involves the three of them. I hope that they will be my strength when I feel like giving up. 

Dave is now in the UK and I have so much on my plate. I am quite amazed at how much I’m handling at the moment. I have stopped work for nearly 9 years since we left for Norway so that I can care for Zachary. Later on when Zac was a little older, I started working part time, to find out that I was pregnant with Hannah and Joel. And the rest is now history. 

Fast forward 8+ years, here I am, back to the workforce with a vengeance. I hope everything goes smoothly, I hope that in the midst of this busy-ness I will not forget who I’m working hard for - my family. I am already missing the time I have with them, solely for them everyday in the past. I hope that with time, when everything is smooth at work, I can then dedicate my time to them again. 

Side tracked. With the business, move, shipment, kids, school runs, cooking, washing, and all the other numerous stuff going on, I just hope that we will settle down soon. Hope Dave gets back soon too. 

Thank you God, for this opportunity to get back to work again, and I pray earnestly that you continue to guide my family and I and be with us throughout the good and the bad times as well. Keep each and everyone in my family healthy and safe. Amen. 

I love you Hannah - 5th Year

Dearest darling Hannah,

It’s me again, your mummy. How are you today? It’s been 5 years since you left us and I still remember clearly the day you left us. How I was holding on to your tiny fingers as you breathed your last. Your long and tiny and cute fingers. I still remember so clearly up till today. You had the longest and prettiest fingers and nails among the whole family. I also remember how when I first saw you, how much joy it brought to me when i thought about all the girly stuff we could do together. I can just imagine it now...or do it in my dreams...

Today we drove past the netball centre that I had always dreamed of going to with my daughter. When we drove past it today, I felt a prick in my heart when I thought of you. I know that it will never happen ever in this life. I feel so sad just thinking about it.   

I know that every year I say the same old thing to you and I would probably do so for the rest of my life. This is my only way to connect with you and repeating it again and again may be the only way for me to feel better. 

Your daddy asked me today, ‘is it getting better with time?’, I don’t think so. This time each year, there’s always a strange feeling. September should be a happy month as it’s your Kong’s and also my birthday...but it’s never ever the same again ever since you came and left your footprint in my life. 

We are back in Perth now, where your home should be. You are also involved in the new business that we are purchasing. Hannah Grace...forever with us. Each time we do something with the business, we will be reminded of you...you’ll always be a part of the family. 

Joel has started asking who the baby in the cupboard is. It pains me to tell him that you’re his Cece, he survived and you didn’t. I will slowly introduce you to him as he gets older. He knows the name Hannah now. We will let him know that you two were the closest beings on this earth and in mummy’s womb. We will also officially take Zac to visit you once we have you in your resting place. I’m sure they’ll say heaps of stuff to you. I’ll make them write letters to you too overtime. 

Rest in peace Hannah. Know that you’re loved and always remembered. Mummy loves you heaps.