7th Jan 2005.......
Today hasnt been too bad......shall start with last night......it was bad!!!!
Last night was a terrible night for me......after chatting with mum.....decided to call it a day....did QT and went straight to bed......logged off at about 930pm.......brushed my teeth and went to bed......fell asleep immediately after i closed my books.......then at about 1030pm.....got up......tossed and turned and tried my best to fall asleep again......couldnt sleep.....and my thoughts were focussed on so many things that I just couldnt sleep......so turned on the telly.....but head was already spinning like mad......had a terrible headache......then friend called, asked if wanna sell my car......so.......called mum and dad to discuss about buying a new car......both encouraged esp dad since he had long wanted me to get rid of my current car.....coz he said its too old and unsafe.....dun really wish to get a new one tho...coz i am not even sure if i will still be here in a year's time......but problem is....friend wants the car now....coz he is doing summer in curtin......dun think i can live without a car since i need it to get to work.....anyway......whole night......head spinning......decided to take my pain killer.....antidote called ponstan......and guess what? i thought i was moving out end of last year due to some household issues, but decided not to.....so i packed everything in boxes......and i couldnt find my medicine box!!!!! struggled and took out boxes to find......went downstairs to find....searched high and low.....and finally found it.....it was right in front of me....in the drawer....i could have banged the wall..!!!! took my medicine....and went to bed...thank God....i fell asleep......
got up this morning....feeling much better....wonder why the sudden headache last night......
at work today was alright......had a weekly review.....the one on tuesday was a monthly review......manager pleased, so i too had no complaints.....with telstra...its review review and review....every week......*sigh*
i normally listen to my cds while i am at work......i just love working with music on, it makes me work faster and more effectively......and for the last whole week, i have been listening to the hillsongs cd......i dont know what happened today.....while i was listening to the song "reaching for you" today.......tears just started rolling down my cheeks while i was in the midst of reviewing an account.....silly as it may sound....but i could feel Him so much......i think coz the whole night last night....i have been thinking about my life......what i could have done better.....how i have lived......the relationships i was in.....in fact.....i was feeling pretty terrible last night......i just felt so alone.....for those of you who dont know.....i just got out of a relationship of nearly 4 years about 4 months ago......i know that i have gotten over it......but somehow.....i dunno what was with me last night...i started thinking about everything that has happened in the past before.....(maybe that is why i got the splitting headache)......i think my stream of consciousness is a total mess now....cant really put what i wish to in words......
anyway....it has been one "thinking" day for me......i have been thinking about other stuff as well.....about whether i should stay here, or go back to msia/spore......its just something i cant straighten out......i miss my family...and i do want to be around my family......dad prefers me to be here....mum prefers me to go back.....but i know they will support every decision i make....coz they trust me alot......sigh......i know God will guide me.....my fave song used to be...."God will find a way, where there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me, He will be my guide, Hold me closely to His side, With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way!"......but as for now.....i dont know....its hard to make a decision.....was joking with mum that day.....if i end up with someone here....i will stay here...if i dont, i will go back......
Just wanna share with everyone how God has given me the strength to carry on in the darkest days of my life......I strongly believe, if i didnt seek comfort in Him when I was on the verge of drowning….err…..i don’t know where I will be now….i would probably end up back in msia…..am glad I didn’t…..coz I realised how much I have grown spiritually here……and I also believe that if I had gone home……all would be different again…..maybe not so much church going, and praying and reading of the Word and fellowship and music composition and the and goes on and on……
Another thing that I have been thinking about is what my friends in Singapore actually betted with me……3 of them……they all said that I will get attached within a year…….and the bet is that if I do get attached, I would have to treat them all 3 to a meal….and if they lost, they would each have to treat me once……I wouldn’t deny that I do like some people at the moment…..its not like "like" them and want to be with them kinda thing.....but more of wanting to know the person better coz find the person nice, encouraging and nice to talk to......and its definitely not because I want so much to be in a relationship……in fact, I feel very much happier now…..being single rocks…..but I guess….when it comes to liking someone, you cant really control it, can you? ……whatever it is, i told myself no matter what happens, I will NEVER go out with a non-Christian ever again……coz I guess the way of life, the way of thinking, and also the paths that we are seeking would be totally different……I have actually forgotten the feeling of being loved and to love.....coz people whom i love and love me are all far far away from me.……I know God loves me and i do too....…..i know my family loves me and i love them as well……but somehow…..i have just sort of forgotten the feeling…...cant remember......no i should tell myself......love is not based on feelings......haha......anyway.....i dont even know what i am talking about now......should think in a more positive light.....
Move on to other things in my thoughts…….i wish I had a close friend here in perth where I can share all my feelings/thoughts/happiness/sorrows with……I don’t know…..i thought I found a confidante in a person…..but I realised that to certain guys, if you cant be his girlfriend, you cant be good friends…….isnt it sad? Shared my ups and downs a lot with the person, and realised that he wanted more than just friends……but not something I wish to do…….anyway….i really wish I had just one good friend here……one will do…….*sigh......everyone....practically everyone tells me this...."Lean you are very strong....you are so independent....i admire your courage.....".....but deep down....i am only human.....and there is just so much i can bear.......i can feel tired i can feel lonely....i can feel happy....i can feel sad too.....i may look strong on the outside......but deep down......its as soft as jelly......
Phewww….i didn’t realise that I have written so much…..this is normally how I write my diary by the way…..shall type a stop here….and continue again some other time……its weekend again…..sports time again…… :):):)
PS: Photo of the 3 forever friends bear in my room……my companion when I feel scared/lonely/sad…etc…. hehe
Aiyoh... write until so long... but think its one of the better journals i've seen so far, at least in describing both your spiritual & emotional life.
ReplyDeleteWell, all in all, no man is an island. Hence if you desire to have a confidante, go & be one yourself to people first. Always take the first step, and people will reciprocate. Of course when choosing potential "confidante", its always better to using godly wisdom in such things. You might feel more comfortable talking to a guy, but overall, it is still a female that will be able to relate to your emotions better than any guy in any single day. A guy can only sympathise & offer solution (& probably be your future spouse), but cannot be everything. Spread out your social circle wider. Afterall, only God understands your total emotional & spiritual needs.
In all my past 3 r/s as well, i realised one single truth.... that no matter what happens or r/s, our security will have to come from God & God alone; and not even your spouse or gf/bf/mentor/shepherd/CL/Pastor/mum/dad/etc... Everyone will only be able to offer their singular unique "services" to you, but God offers everything.
Anyway would just like to reaffirm you that i am really very happy to see you grow so much both emotionally & spiritually. In all the r/s you've gone through, you've grown & matured, which is good! Continue seeking God & putting His Kingdom first in your lives and you'll meet the One that you'll eventually get married with in an approriate time. Trust me on this one. :)
hey hens.....thanks for your encouragement..... :):):)
ReplyDeleteand i would LOVE to have more galfriends here.....sincerely from the bottom of my heart!!!!! but.....sad to say......my cell group only has 3/4 gals......where 2 of them are married with family.....the rest are attached......i am quite close to one of them.....but you know.....when one is married....with family commitments....kids....its hard to find spare time......dun really wanna disturb too much too......so only get to catch up during cell...and occasionally on the phone.....but i agree with what you say......a gal can relate much better as compared to a guy.....this i have to agree!!!!! i just wish that my cell group will have more females...haha....and in office.....do have some good friends....but you know....the frequency is pretty different....so what you can talk about with people who are christians is different from people who does not have Christ in the centre of their lives.....
and you are absolutely right about God is the one who offers everything.....which is why.....most of the time.....my comfort is in Him....
and who told you i am looking for a spouse??? BLUAK!!!!! :P i am happy being single!!!! its you people who keep putting bets here and there!!!! you, chand and meng!!!! hahahaha.....so stop speculating......coz i am leaving it to God!!!!! you people.......always like to tease me!!!!!
Hey guys, hows it going??Seems like everyone is happily into discussing about Lean's journal entries that i cant stop myself too..:) okie so it was only Henry who started it but hey lets keep the ball rolling especially now that Lean accuses us (me, Henry and Meng) of teasing her... Oh plzzzzzz... since when we EVER tease her?? some more say and i quote " you people.......always like to tease me!!!!!" really meh?? I think we just state whatever observations based on facts we have gleaned from the past few years we know about u only wat... like.. getting attached relatively quickly...kekekekeke.. ok ok tat was mean.. but u know pple can change as well.. like being single for so long now... which is good... but tat doesn't mean the bet is off... kekekekek...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, seriously, like what our future pastor Henry is saying God is everything and nothing can change tat... but to really believe in it, u must know Him more.. and tat only only comes through prayer, Qt to name a few.. I'm also very happy for Lean in tat she has matured eversince shes in aussie land... so its a blessing in disguise.. not tat she was very childish in singapore... but there is a different tone in her approach to life now.
Well, i hope for the best for you.. and hope to see u guys more in icq and msn but i guess we are all relatively busy nowadays... and trust me it would be even worse once married ..a good example is meng,... send Happy New Year greetings and no acknowledgment whatsoever...its okie Meng if u are reading this.. i forgive u.. as paraphased from the Bible, a wife and husband thinks how to please one another. or something along those lines ... so Meng i understand what u going through completely....hahahahahha.. and lastly as for Henry's statement " Continue seeking God & putting His Kingdom first in your lives and you'll meet the One that you'll eventually get married with in an approriate time. Trust me on this one. :)" I DEFINITELY TRUST U ON TAT WAN....:).. take care.. and like wat Lean always like say when she's over at aussie land.. .. CHEERS!! :)
dr dr!!!!!
ReplyDeletequote "since when we always tease her".....ohhh....since the day i know you mann!!!!! you joker!!!! everytime write anything.....sure tease tease and tease!!! and you got the cheek to say "since when we always tease her".......
and your facts are so wrong!!!!! what you see is the surface of everything......you only know eric and raymond isnt it??? and why do you say i always get into a rship very quickly??? you dont even know that i wasnt attached for more than 1.5 years before i got together with raymond......just that when i met you that time....i was already with raymond......*sigh*.....doctor doctor.....you need to not just look at things on the surface......you studied for so long....hehehe.....you need to really know your facts lah!!!......hehehe.....so please dun accuse me of getting into rships very quickly.....hehehe......
and the bet is definitely on.....as i said.....i am not in a hurry to get attached.....altho i know you are trying to hint that i am old already....HAHAHAHA.......PIG!!!! pretty happy now......frankly.....i just hope to have more friends here.....really.......if you people were here now....would be good.....then can go our fast eds in the middle of the night again....hahaha.....
doctor chand.....you ah.....*shaking my head*......are a total joker....that is all i can say.....hahahah.......and guess you are right.....i do have a totally different approach of life......you know.....after raymond proposed......my focus was just my life.....my life......my life......i never considered what God really wanted me to do with my life......and now i know......"storing treasures in heaven" and the so called treasures at the moment would be my family!!!!! have been trying to talk to my mum about Christ lately....hehehe....*blush*.....but each time i talk about it....i feel the pressure.....but ok lah....am trying hard to....i know God will guide me..... :):):)
STOP TEASING ME CHAND!!!!! or i'll skin you alive and dump you in the kuali and fry you till you're brown!!!!! PIG!!!!!
kaylah...gotta get back to work......starting work in about 10 mins.......have a great day ahead!!!!! Cheers!